The long drive home suddenly didn’t seem long enough, we were back and now I had to figure out how to tell Londyn what has happened. She was at her dad’s house so I called him, I asked him if we could have Londyn after her choir performance and I told him what had happened of course he said I could whilst apologiseing profusely in disbelief that this had happened to me again (he’s the ectopics dad). So we went to the church and found seats, we could see Londyn but we’re hidden away enough that she couldn’t see every time we broke down in tears. She sang her little heart out, I was as I always am so proud of her. The songs seemed to go on forever and yet it was over too soon. We met Londyn outside with her dad and asked if she would come back to ours for a minute (her dad only lives two doors down so it’s no hardship) she said no that she wanted to go back with daddy, so I done one of the things I hate the most, I lied to her and told her I needed to treat a wart that she had on her foot.
All the way home we held it together, talking as normal as possible and then we pulled up outside the house, I suddenly felt like someone was sitting on my chest, I’d just listened to my girl singing her heart out and now I was going to break it.
We came in and I sat her on the sofa and I said……..”so today we had to have an appointment for Boris and whilst we were there they said we could listen to his heartbeat and have a scan, but when they scanned me they saw that Boris had died, I’m so sorry” I started crying about 5 words in and as I said the words Boris had died, she screamed the most painful scream I have ever heard, “no Boris, why?” “Why mummy why is he dead, how does this happen” I’ll never forget that sound, I grabbed her so tight, I’m so sorry I sobbed, I’m so sorry! She sat up and started holding my bump and kissing it, I love you Boris I love you she said over and over.
That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. She was days from turning 8 and I just destroyed her world, the pain in her screech – like nothing you can imagine.
Next we had to tell Nathan’s mum, we called her and asked her to come over, she did straight away, she knew something was wrong but I don’t think she was expecting this. Nathan started to say the words, “the baby’s gone, it died!” But the tears took over so I told her, we all hugged and cried she kept saying how sorry she was, they said that at the hospital and Gary said it and now mum but it hasn’t changed anything, our baby is still dead. I know why people say it and I know that they really do mean it, I didn’t think I would ever feel negatively towards people for saying it but it’s already starting to niggle me and it only got worse as time went on.
That night we just laid awake crying but not talking, going round and round what had happened why was our baby dead???
Tomorrow we have to tell people, they want me back in soon so we have to tell people, I can’t face telling them after I’ve had the baby, I need to still be pregnant. So I started with telling the school so they could keep an eye on Londyn, she was adamant she was going school and we’d already said we would let her lead her grief.
My bump photos after they had told us, we needed to make as many visual memories as possible, soon it would be all we had left!
Nayely Adelpha Foundation 