Well here goes, time to do the rounds again, only this time we’ll be telling everyone our baby has died. The more we said it the more real it was. We started with taking Londyn to school, she forgot herself for a minute and kissed my bump. Then the reality hit her, “I know you’re dead but I still love you!” She said and then she cried. I asked her if she wanted to stay home but she said no. She asked if she was still allowed to kiss Boris to say goodbye in the mornings (she has kissed the bump every day since we told her we were pregnant) I told her it was fime and she could kiss and hug the bump as much as she wants. She asked if the baby could still hear her? I said that I believe it could and although the baby has died I believe it was staying close to us and could see and hear how much we love it. We had a hug and then the bell rang, she kissed Boris and went on in. I waited to speak to her teacher, I told them what had happened and they promised they would keep an eye on her for me and they’d call me if she needed to come home.
Next we needed to tell Sarah, she is the baby’s godmother. Her son goes to the same school so we headed of towards his class room, on our way round we saw Charlie, she could see id not slept and asked if we were ok, I really wanted to say it without crying but before I’d even said the first word the tears were streaming, they baby has died I said, we lost Boris. With that Charlie grabbed me and we both cried, I’m so sorry she said, those words again! Still nothing changed but I know she meant it. I told her I would be going back in soon to give birth and she offered to help with the school runs or anything else we needed!
Sarah wasn’t there, she’d left already for work so we headed there to see her. I called her to make sure she was at work and check it was ok to go and see her, this was about 9am and her pub didn’t open until 10 so we had an hour to talk to her. She was in the alleyway when we got there and could send it was more than just a social call. We told her and more tears from us all. One again the words I’m so sorry! She also offered to help with anything we needed. We sat with her for and hour and went through what would happen next and then it was time to go and see my sisters.
They came to mine for a cuppa, Kimberley got there first, Anji was as always running late. I wanted to tell them together so we just carried on like normal until Anji arrived, she had bought with her some clothes her friend had given for the baby, I ignored that she was carrying it. I sat them straight down and told them that I couldn’t make our arrangements next week because Boris had died, they were both shocked, Kimberley went very quiet and Anji hugged me and cried, they were both shaking. I don’t really remember much more, I told them what happens next and the rest is a blur.
On to the next person, my dad. I called him to find out where he was working and we headed out to see him. This was difficult because we’ve had a fractured relationship and only in the last 18 months started talking again. I knew he’d be panicking about me calling him but I couldn’t tell him over the phone. We pulled up I got out of the car and told him, he hugged me tight and of course those famous words I’m so sorry! He was shaking, he said he wished he could take my pain. Whilst I was talking to him about what happens next I got a phonecall, it was the hospital, they wanted to book me in. I asked them if I’d be allowed another scan before I took anything, they said I didn’t need it as it had been confirmed with a second opinion, I told them I wouldn’t do it without a scan and someone talking me through it. I already had my back up because of what happened at the other hospital with the ectopic, they said it was fine and they’d make sure they arranged that for me. They booked us to speak with the Chaplin whilst we were there and told us where we needed to be and where, it’s all too real now. I got off the phone and told dad and Nathan what had been said, I needed to go in on Monday 17th to take a pill and speak to the Chaplin and then I had to go back on Wednesday 19th to deliver the baby. The 19th December, exactly 10 years to the day that I started bleeding with the ectopic! How much crueller could this get! Dad offered to be with us when we gave birth, or when ever we needed him really, he asked if we would have a service, I didn’t know, I’d never been allowed to acknowledge my other two when I lost them, they were referred to as “just a fetus” I didn’t know what they did now, of course if we were allowed any kind of service we were going to have it, anything to acknowledge our baby’s existence. We told dad we’d let him know.
Nothing really happened after that, we just drove around for a while and then went home. We were managing in the daytime but once Paisley went to bed, that’s when we really struggled. We decided that for now we would sleep with the telly on. We still do this now!
Nayely Adelpha Foundation 