Just a little bit that should have been in part 11, so after we’d seen dad we went and saw my Auntie, I’d only told her at 11 weeks that we were pregnant and 4 weeks later I’m telling her the baby has died. This lady is very important to me she has always loved and supported us and she has never judged us, I didn’t want to tell her, I didn’t want to upset her but I couldn’t have her hear it from someone else. She was as she always is, loving and supportive – desperately trying to find the right thing to say. Her family are religious so she said she would pray for us all, I don’t believe but somehow I still took comfort from this.
I don’t know how this wasn’t in part 11, I hadn’t forgotten it but I felt like it must have happened the next day 🤷 anyway on to part 12.
It’s Saturday the 15th December, Londyn’s birthday party so I needed to pull my finger out and slap a smile on it for her sake! We’re taking her and 3 friends to flip out (a massive trampoline park) Nathan decorated the car with pink birthday banners, she will love it! I’d not done much, I was really struggling I didn’t know how I would get through the day. Nathan took me for a drive, we couldn’t cope with being at home, we came home just as the first guest arrived and Londyn of course, the first thing Londyn asked me in her lowest voice “are you still pregnant, is the baby still in there?” I explained that I was and that we could talk about it tomorrow if she’d prefer, so as not to ruin her day. She said she would prefer that but could she talk to her friend about it and could she give Boris a quick kiss? Of course I said yes to both. And with that she kissed my bump and ran off upstairs to play with her friend. They didn’t know but the baby monitor was on so I listened in to see what she said about the baby, she didn’t say a thing I hope that’s because she didn’t feel the need to!
Off we set to pick up another guest, her absolute best friend ever! And we met the third friend at the venue. They bounced for two hours and for a small time she was able to forget the nightmare we were living! After that we took them all to McDonalds for dinner. They seemed to be having a great time and it was so nice to see her smile! On the way home I discussed with Nathan about having one of her friends around on her actual birthday (we always do a home party on the day for family but never normally have friends) her birthday is on Christmas Eve and I knew people would want to talk about what was happening, I didn’t want Londyn to have to listen to it all on her birthday and the day before Christmas, I didn’t want it ruined for her. Nathan agreed so we asked her bff’s mum and thankfully she said yes! She had no clue at this point what was happening.
So that was that, Londyn had had a great birthday party and we’d managed to hold it together, tomorrow is her rugby club Christmas party – another day of trying to hold it together! This is exhausting!!
The kids went to bed and our darkness crept in, this was the time when we had to face what was happening and start making plans for our babies funeral??? That is so wrong, no parents should have to do this.
That night we searched for songs, we wanted a song for the baby, after hours of searching we found Freya Ridings, lost without you. It starts with the lyrics “standing on the platform watching you go” I had in my mind a platform at a train station, trains take you on a journey, we were on a journey (a journey I didn’t want to be on but was anyway) and all I could do was watching as my baby went! More lyrics “hits me at full speed, feel like I can’t breathe and nobody knows, this pain inside me my world is crumbling” that is exactly what it’s like, it hurts so bad I can’t breathe! And more lyrics “I think I’m lost without you, I just feel crushed without you” we are lost, we don’t know how to be without our baby and yet we need to be for our other babies! This song just felt so right it became “the song” it made us cry just enough to get to sleep (with the telly on of course)
Nayely Adelpha Foundation 