It’s Monday, we took Londyn to school and went straight from there to hospital. We arrived early so we waited. They eventually came and got us and took us into a side room with sofa chairs and a picture of butterflies on the wall. A lady came to speak to us, I think she spoke to us on the day they told us but I can’t be sure. I don’t really remember what was said, I asked if I could have another scan they said yes we were just waiting for a room. Then Roberta came and got us, we were shuffled to the nearest room (I don’t know if that was to protect us or to protect the other women with healthy pregnancies) it was the same woman who scanned us on that day, I didn’t want it to be her, not because I don’t trust her – just because it hurt to see her again! She laid me on the bed and started the scan, she talked me through everything, she showed me that the baby’s heart wasn’t beating and then she put the coloured Doppler on the heart, this will show any signs of blood flow, there was nothing! My heart sank again, if they could have just been wrong, I wouldn’t have minded, I wouldn’t have taken any legal action, but no, they were right, our baby was dead. I asked if we could have some more scan pictures, the last one the babies head was crooked to one side I just wanted a normal picture, you know the classic scan picture, side profile. She did her best but the baby was laying funny and it’s not like we could make it move, she also got some face on pictures for me so we could she the beautiful little face. They shuffled us back into the other room.
A doctor came and spoke to us, he explained the procedure and the risks involved with inducing me when I’ve already had 2 C-sections, the risk were minimal but he had to explain them. He told me that I would take a tablet today and that would soften my cervix ready to complete the miscarriage….. I glares at him, “can we refer to it as giving birth please?” I grunted, “of course, I’m sorry” he replied. I couldn’t believe my ears, they’re not allowed to refer to it as giving birth as I’m not more than 24 weeks, what a wonderful man! He will never know how much this meant to me, such a small gesture but the first acknowledgement that we had lost our child, a real person who mattered to more than just us, my previous two losses were called “just a miscarriage, not real babies, just a fetus” our non viable pregnancy was being acknowledged as a person by medical professionals! I cried when he repeated his sentence. “The tablet will soften the cervix ready for delivery” once you have given birth we may still need to operate, when a baby is born this early it can be difficult to get the placenta to detach and so we may need to perform a DNC” I signed the consent form.
They gave me the tablet and some water, the lady explained that the tablet may cause stomach cramps and sickness, I may actually vomit and not to worry it was normal, she told me that she had taken it and it wasn’t nice at all, I don’t think I really registered that she’d taken it meaning that she has suffered loss too!
I broke, I couldn’t do it, I kept trying to put the tablet in my mouth but I couldn’t even get it to my lips, “I don’t want to” I sobbed “I want to keep the baby, why can’t I just keep it, it might come back alive, is there nothing you can do? Why can’t you restart the heart?”
“I’m sorry” she said “I wish we could but there’s nothing we can to save your baby, it’s already gone, that tablet won’t hurt the baby, we need you to take it to make sure you don’t get n infection”
“I don’t care about me, I want my baby!”
Eventually I took the tablet, it took me back to when I had the ectopic, only I could sign for the injection to be given, an injection I didn’t want but had no choice yet they still needed my consent to kill my baby! And here I was again, the one who had to preform the act to induce labour at 16+3 far too early, the only difference was this baby was already dead.
After this we met the Chaplin, a lovely lady called Julia, she talked us through what they could do for us, she asked about our other children and we told her how Londyn is struggling, she asked if Londyn would meet the baby. I didn’t even know that would be an option. We decided we would let Londyn make that decision. She said she would bless the baby and do a naming ceremony if we wanted and she could do this as soon as baby is born or she can wait until Londyn is with us if she chooses to meet the baby. She told us that we could either have the baby buried in the remembrance garden of we could have a private cremation and funeral service at the hospital or if we choose to we could take the baby home and organise our own funeral plans, we chose to do it through the hospital, and asked how much it would cost, “nothing” she said “children and babies funerals are of no charge!” Another acknowledgement that our baby was a baby not just a fetus! She told us not to rush a decision on the spot we could decide later what we wanted to do. We definitely wanted a blessing and if Londyn wanted to meet the baby then we definitely wanted it to include her, sort of like a christening so Londyn would maybe get some closure and know that the baby was with God, I don’t believe but Londyn does and so does Nathan.
After this they took us to see Rowan suite. The first room had a sofa bed, a fridge, kettle and some display cabinets with draws in it, it also had a bathroom, this was where we would spend most of our time and where we would sleep so we could spend the night with the baby. Another thing I didn’t think we would get to do. There were butterflies everywhere and the cabinet was full of things for us to make memories with the baby keyrings, teddies, blankets, clothes, hand and foot casts so much stuff, they told us we could go through it all and take whatever we wanted.
The next room was the delivery suite, again butterflies everywhere. I like to think that they resemble lost babies, as the caterpillar grows wings to become a butterfly our baby grew wings to become an angel. They told us to make our way down on Wednesday straight from school and to try and rest and get in touch if I have any bleeding.
Another long drive home, the first song on the radio Freya Ridings, lost without you. We decided we couldn’t face going home yet so we went and saw Anji my sister. I don’t really remember what we talked about.
That evening we sat down with Londyn to explain what was happening, we asked her if she would like to meet the baby, her face beamed “yes please” she cried. I asked her to think about it and explained that it wouldn’t look like her sister did when she was born, it wouldn’t even be fully formed, “I know” she said “but I still want to see him, I’m going to meet you Boris” she leaned in and started talking to my bump. I told her to think about it and she could change her mind at any point and as many times as she wants. Now that she said she wanted to meet the baby I suddenly didn’t want her to, I was scared that the trauma would be too much for her, what if I was doing the wrong thing letting her lead her grief? Was she too young to make these decisions? I phoned her dad to let him know what would be happening and that she wanted to meet the baby, he to was worried how she would cope but agreed it was her decision and if that’s what she chose then he would bring her to meet the baby.
We went to bed that night and started looking for poems to read at the funeral, we didn’t decide on any but we found a few maybes. We also decided that we needed to choose a name for if it was a girl, if it was a boy we were going to call him Boris.
These are the last scan pictures I ever had of this pregnancy. It is 3 months today since those words “I’m sorry it’s bad news today, there’s no heartbeat”
Nayely Adelpha Foundation 