Tuesday December 18th, the last full day of my pregnancy. We took Londyn to school and she kissed the baby goodbye, I flinched this time – knowing it was going to be one of the last times, so hard.
This day is a massive blur for us, we don’t have much detail. I know we went to the phoenix hotel for food, Sarah (the baby’s godmother), her husband Steve and Graham own it, Steve made an effort to ask how we were which was nice but made it all too real, he normally just kinda grunts at me as he goes by. He’s a lovely bloke and always tries to help anyone (he’s helped me out many times) but if you don’t need him to be there then he’s not, I don’t know where he is but he’s not here, so when he stopped and asked how I was I knew it wasn’t just politeness, he really meant it and that means I need support and that means something big is going to happen. Of course I already knew this but something’s just make it more obvious.
We went to Tesco to buy the things we needed (sanitary products and post birth pads). Oh I forgot to mention that yesterday we had a meeting with my boss to tell them what was happening and that I wouldn’t be mentally fit for work for the foreseeable. They offered me dismissal on health grounds. They didn’t have to do this, I would have had to leave anyway so I’m very grateful that they did. My manager Tracey asked what she should tell my colleagues as they were asking after us, I told her she could tell them what was happening, I prefer her to do it than having to do it myself. She told them, I walked in store today and was immediately hugged by a lady who’s son I went to school with, he had died at a young age, “I’m not going to say anything, I know how it feels to lose a child, I just want you to know I’m here!” She said. It meant a lot to me, her boy was 7 when he died and she was acknowledging our unborn baby in the same way! All these little acknowledgements, they mean so much!
We continued our shopping, then we bumped into a friend I’d worked with in the pub, I tried to avoid eye contact, not because I don’t like her but because I knew she would speak and she did. “Congratulations!” She said. I shook my head, “the baby passed away, we’re going in to give birth tomorrow” I said, as if it was nothing. I didn’t know how else to say it without breaking down into tears in the middle of Tesco’s. “Oh no, I’m so sorry, me and my big mouth!” She said, I instantly felt awful “it’s ok it’s not your fault, we haven’t told everyone yet” she apologises again but this time for our loss, I thanked her and went on shopping. I still don’t know how to react when people say they are sorry, you automatically say thank you or it’s ok, but it’s not ok and what are we supposed to be grateful about? This becomes a bigger issue for me in the days to come.
After the shopping we went for a drive until it was time to pick Londyn up from school, we picked her up and went home. Had dinner, done homework and baths all the usual stuff, Londyn asked if she could have one last bath with Boris, so we did. And whilst we were in the bath we had a chat about what was going to happen the next day, I asked her if she’d thought anymore about it and she said no, I don’t need to, I want to meet they baby and hold it if I can! I asked if maybe she would like to see what a baby at this gestation looks like so she can prepare herself and she said yes, so onto the Googley I went, I found the story of a little boy named Nathan, he was the same gestational age when he was born so I showed Londyn the photos, “ok” she said “I can handle that, the bay just looks really tiny but still beautiful” after her bath we snuggled and then the girls went off to bed.
After they went to bed I done something I’d been putting off, I messaged my oldest friend. I’ve known Dawn since we were 4. I messaged her, hey Hun, I’ve got something to tell you but I don’t know how…..
She came round to see us, I’m not sure how far through the door she got when I told her, I think she was sat next to me but I don’t remember clearly, I know Nathan made us drinks and she hugged me and asked questions and offered any help we might need. I know we managed to have ‘normal’ conversation after we’d spoke about the baby I don’t think she stayed long.
Nathan and I went up to bed, but not to sleep, to wrap Londyn’s birthday presents and all the Christmas presents. We knew if we didn’t do them now then they wouldn’t get done and the girls needed this holiday more than ever this year……
Nayely Adelpha Foundation 