Trigger warning, this part contains images of a still born baby at 16 weeks gestation, I do not apologise for the content we are proud of our baby however I completely understand if you choose not to view the images.
It’s 20:15, we’ve established that I met Sue (my new midwife) during my previous pregnancy with Paisley, the contractions are getting so painful now I’m not sure how much longer I can do this without gas and air! I asked Sue to set it up for me just in case. At 20:20 I started what I didn’t realise was another 20 minute contraction, I caved about 10 minutes in and took 5 long draws on the gas and air, I desperately needed a wee. Sue asked me to push I was scared I would wee everywhere but I did it anyway, I pushed as hard as I could from my bum just like they tell you to, I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head I was pushing so hard. Nothing happened so I pushed some more and still nothing, I told Sue I needed a wee but there was no way I could walk to the other room, this contraction wasn’t letting up! So the bought in the commode for me, she said “ok Emileen, when you can I want you to quickly pop yourself over to the commode” this was difficult as the contraction still wasn’t letting up. I remember saying to Nathan “this is the most undignified you’ll ever see me, if you still love me after this then you’ll love me forever!” And with that I stood up off the bed arse covered in blood and it running down both of my legs and I dumped myself on the commode. Nathan came and stood behind me to rub my shoulders. As I was about to wee there was this strange feeling, I pushed and there it was, our beautiful baby had entered this world at 20:39! I lifted myself up from the commode still hovering in a seated position, “he’s here” I said “Boris is here!” Sue quickly supported his lifeless body dangling from me. I looked down and fell in love! The most perfect, beautiful little baby just laid there in her hand! There was a look of sadness on the baby’s perfect face.
And these are the things Sue done to get us through this awful time, our baby was dead, but still she held its little body in one hand whilst she single handedly clamped the cord and cut it, the respect she showed our child in that moment will never be forgotten. She asked if we wanted to hold the baby, I did but I didn’t want to hold him to then have to put him down again to deliver the placenta so she tucked him up in his cot where we could see him and I again started to push. I felt something large and lumpy push through and into the bowl, “and there’s the placenta” I announced. I was wrong, as I lifted my body to have a look I saw the clipped cord still hanging from me. Sue pressed the emergency button, I was haemorrhaging, I could see the fear in her face and I suddenly felt very faint! “We just need to get you back on the bed Emileen” she said in a very calm voice and with that another midwife came rushing in. I lowered myself back onto the commode liquid still leaking from me, it’s ok this time I was having a wee, I had no control over it so we just waited for it to stop. “I think it’s stopped now” I said “it feels lumpy again” I lifted myself again and sure enough it was blood, I won’t lie, I knew my life was in danger and in that split second as I looked at my dead baby I considered pushing again, I couldn’t afford to lose much more blood, this way I could be with the baby, and then, Londyn and Paisley, how would they cope? I can’t miss them growing up, I need to be here to protect my beautiful girls, I’m sorry Boris – your sisters need me, I’ll have to wait to meet you properly. They moved me onto the bed and someone appeared with an injection “I’m just going to give you this injection to force your womb to contract, hopefully it will separate the placenta and the bleeding will stop” Sue explained “if that doesn’t work then we may have to go to theatre” she continued. With the fear of leaving Londyn and Paisley in my mind I started instructing Nathan as to what to do if I didn’t make it, “you must tell them I love them 8 everyday, make sure they know they are my world and they gave me the only true happiness I’ve ever known, make sure you and Gary sort something out with Londyn, she still needs to spend time with you and Paisley, don’t let the girls lose their relationship”
“Stop” Nathan said “you’re not going to die”
“I might” I said “I need you to take this seriously” with this conversation came the next 20 minute contraction, I’d done what I wanted to do, I’d given birth to the baby with only 5 puffs of gas and air, now I was having as much as I wanted. Again at about 10 minutes in once the bleeding had slowed Sue suggested I moved back onto the commode in the hope that gravity would help, I put down the gas and air and moved myself back onto the commode dripping blood as I went. Sure enough I felt the urge to push again, again it was just blood “it’s ok” Sue assured me “just take your time, relax and when I tell you we’ll push again” I sat there for a few minutes whilst Nathan rubbed my back. “Ok when you’re ready, I want you to give me a nice big push and I’ll pull the cord gently and we’ll see if we can get this done” Sue said so I lifted myself back up and Sue grabbed the cord, “ok push” she said, I pushed and there it was placenta delivered! I was so relieved, I got back onto the bed, they cleaned me up a bit and passed me my baby, my perfect sleeping beauty! We spent probably an hour in that room with our baby whilst the midwife’s sorted out all of the paperwork and suchlike. Then Sue came in and asked if we were ready to go back into the other room, I said yes, that I wanted to have a bath and I needed Nathan with me but I didn’t want to leave Boris on his own so would she be able to look after him for me, she took him off so she could weigh him and get some hand and footprints for us and we went to get cleaned up. I had a bath and whilst I was in the bath I delivered the rest of the placenta little bits had been left behind, this is very common in such an early delivery. I started packing everything up to make the room nice for when Boris got back, Nathan set up the sofa bed and he set up a space so that Boris’s cot could go next to me, just as we would have if he’d been alive. Suddenly I felt very wobbly and faint we called for someone to come and check on me, they said it was normal after what I’d been through and to have some food and a drink and try to relax. Sue came back with Boris and took some photos for us, she set up his cold cot and bought us some sandwiches with tea, I took Boris out of the cot and held him close, I kissed him and talked to him and told him how much I love him and how sorry I am that I couldn’t keep him safe and then I apologised for calling him a boy as we don’t actually know for sure what he is, looking at what’s there suggested he was a girl but that could be as simple as the boy bits hadn’t developed yet! We will find out for sure when we get the gender results back.
This night is far from over I will continue tomorrow as there is just too much to do it today and remembering it all is so painful.
Nayely Adelpha Foundation 