Still December 19th 2018.
It must have been getting on for 23:30 when Sue popped back in to see that we were ok, I was just sat at the edge of the bed, crying and talking to Boris, so perfect, so beautiful. How did this happen, how does a baby’s heart just stop? “Would you like to talk to the doctor about what happens next or do you want to leave it until the morning?” She asked. Nathan said we would talk to the doctor now, he knew he wanted a post mortem done as we’d already discussed it, I was unsure and needed more information. She gently said to me as I sat ignoring the world around me, “just remember Emileen, he’s your baby, you can get him out and hold him as much as you want” I did want to, more than anything but I was so scared that if I kept getting him out he would deteriorate and I needed to keep him safe for his sister to meet him! I done what I do best when I can’t handle a situation and I zoned out so I couldn’t engage with her, I could still hear what she was saying but it was muffled and I couldn’t respond. “Why don’t you lay on the bed with him?” I heard her say, in my head I answered but whether I actually did or not I can’t tell you, in my head I said, “no, co-sleeping is not allowed, I might roll on the baby and hurt it!” I hadn’t gone mad, I knew the baby had died but I still worried, I didn’t want the baby left alone because I didn’t want him to be scared, I was nervous when I held him, incase I hurt him, I needed him to have a blanket because despite the fact he was sleeping on what was essentially an ice mattress I didn’t want him to get cold and I kept repositioning him because he looked uncomfortable!
I’ll never forget the feel of his skin against my lips as I kissed him, I’ll never forget the way he smelt or the touch of his delicate skin. So perfect, so beautiful. 10 of the tiniest fingers and 10 of the tiniest toes I have ever seen. How does this happen, how does a baby’s heart just stop??
A lady with glasses came to discuss the post mortem with us, there’s 3 types we could have done, one where they just look at my bloods and examine the baby, one where they do my bloods, examine the baby and take some tissue samples or a full post mortem there they operate on the baby and check all the organs tissues and bloods. She said that most of the time there’s no reason for a baby to die and it’s “just one of those things” what she means is medicine isn’t advanced enough to always find the reason, of course there’s a reason, baby’s don’t just die. So basically what I’m hearing is that even if I let then cut my beautiful baby up they still might not find out why this happened! She left us alone to discuss it for a while. Nathan said he needed to know, if there was a chance we could find out why this has happened then he needed to try, Londyn needed to know, the question she has repeatedly asked me since the day I told her is why? Why did Boris die? I sat and gazed at our beautiful baby, I don’t want them to cut you up but my family need to know! What was I supposed to do. I told Nathan I didn’t want the post mortem that the results were irrelevant, nothing could explain why our baby didn’t make it but I could see how much he needed it and so I said I needed to ask a few questions about what it would involve and how it would be performed and as long as I didn’t have to sign for it then I wouldn’t stop him from signing.
The lady came back, I asked my questions and she assured me that the baby would be treated with the same respect as anyone else and that the people who perform post mortems on babies so tiny have had special training so they can do what they need to and then stitch baby back up as seamlessly as possible, so I agreed that Nathan could do what he needed. I still didn’t want it done and so I didn’t want to know anymore about the procedure. She went and got the forms, “if you could both sing here?” She said, “wait, what? Can’t he just sign? He is the dad!” I said. “No I’m afraid we need both of you to sign!” She replied.
This is not what we had agreed! I don’t want this why do I have to sign, he didn’t have to sign for me to take that stupid pill to start the process of induction! This is not fair, he has as many rights to our baby as I do, he’s the dad so why isn’t his signature enough!?
I had no choice so through floods of tears I signed, Nathan kept apologiseing, it wasn’t his fault, I knew that. He and Londyn needed this, I’d already failed them and Boris by not keeping him safe, I couldn’t fail them again.
This lead us into the next day, 00:40 I was feeling increasingly faint, Sue came and done my OBS everything seemed ok but due to the way I was feeling and the fact that I’d lost over a litre of blood they decided to give me IV fluids.
In the next hour my anxiety grew, the pump on the fluids started to alarm I was convinced that if they didn’t stop it then air would get into my vain and kill me, Nathan buzzed them I sat and held the baby, Nathan held me, they came in and turned off the alarm and left us to be together as a family. At 03:45 the fluids had completed, they disconnected the line, by this time my anxiety was through the roof, I kept telling them something wasn’t right, I was going to die and leave my girls behind, they kept assuring me that everything was ok and I wasn’t going to die, that’s what they said when I told them something wasn’t right with the pregnancy, they didn’t listen then and Boris died, if I couldn’t get them to listen now then I would die too! I was so scared, maybe I was wrong maybe it wasn’t me who was in danger? I don’t know but something wasn’t right. I couldn’t breathe, I had such a crushing pain in my chest, it’s a blood clot! I’m going to die from a blood clot. I can’t die I can’t make Christmas any worse for the girls than its already going to be, Paisley is too young, if I die now she won’t even remember me, she wont know how much I love her and how will Londyn cope? She’s already hurting so much oh my god I can’t breathe, I’m going to die! Wait what if it’s not me? What if one of the girls is in danger? What if it’s Paisley’s blood sugars? Wendy doesn’t even know how to give her solution, we didn’t tell her, I’m a terrible mother, I don’t deserve children! Oh god please, don’t let it be the girls, I can’t lose another one, they’re too perfect, this world needs them please don’t let it be them, take me if you must but not my girls! I still can’t breathe there’s a doctor standing at the end of my bed, I’m crying so hard I can’t see her and my head’s in such a fit I don’t have a clue what she’s saying, sue is sat on the bed smoothing my arm and talking to me gently, I can’t understand what she’s saying, they run an ECG my heart beat was very high but that was due to the panic attack I was having, everything appears normal. Sue suggested that Nathan could text Wendy the instructions for Paisley’s solution and check that she was ok. They gave me oromorph to calm me down, it helped a little, my breathing settled but my chest still hurt, one hour and a thousand years later they gave me more, this finally stopped the pain and I eventually relaxed. I couldn’t sleep as now that I was calm I could feel my uterus contracting so I just lay there watching my lifeless baby and wishing with all my might that things had turned out differently, wishing I was still pregnant and our baby was still alive.
I heard sue come back in a bit later but I had my back to the door and I didn’t have the mental capacity to interact with anyone so I just lay still, as if I was asleep. I didn’t realise at the time, she had come to say goodbye and introduce us to our new midwife.
My notes read that I was irrational and avoiding eye contact, they were very concerned about my mental health and wanted me to see a senior doctor. The poor state of my mental health is mentioned a few times and it is noted that I didn’t want to see my psychiatrist as he just wanted to put me on meds and I won’t take them. They had arranged for me to see the mental health midwife in the morning.
Nayely Adelpha Foundation 