The next two days merge into one, Friday the 21st is a lost day, I hardly remember it happened, I think this is the day we looked for poems for the funeral but that might have been the evening before.
Saturday 22nd, we need to go to Taunton to sort out the last few things for Londyn’s birthday and Christmas, I hated being there, knowing Boris was there but not with me we done the things we had to do and we were getting back in the car to go home, I couldn’t do it, I had to see my baby, the hospital said I could go back whenever I wanted to so I phoned the hospital. I wasn’t even sure if he was still there he might have gone to Bristol for the operation already. The midwife on the phone said they would try to find out where the baby was and they’d let me know. So we done a bit more shopping while we were waiting, just passing time but I couldn’t wait, I called them back and told them I wanted to see the baby, and I needed them to check me over as well as I wasn’t feeling well and I was passing large clots. She asked if I could get in for 19:00, this was at 15:30, I couldn’t stay there till 19:00 and I don’t drive, Nathan couldn’t bring me back in as he’d be putting Paisley to bed so I phoned my sister Anji and she said she’d take me back in.
We finished our shopping and headed over to Anjis, we couldn’t face going home and her house is on the way home so it made sense to stop in at hers rather than making her come to get me and then travel back on herself.
18:30 Anji and I set off for the hospital, when we got there they took us to the room with the sofa in it. I told Anji she couldn’t see the baby and she’d have to wait outside when they bought him in. She didn’t mind but I did feel a bit bad. A midwife came and done my observations, everything was fine, they checked for infection and blood clots, everything looked to be ok but I was still concerned.
They took Anji out off the room and bought Boris in…………. My beautiful baby, he’s changed, I can see him deteriorating already and he’s all twisted up, they’re not being gentle enough, I straightened him up and made him more comfortable, he’s still perfect to me. I sat and read poems to him and played his song to him (Freya Ridings, lost without you) I cried so loud, I could feel Anji holding herself back, I tried to control my crying, I knew every part of her wanted to hold me and she couldn’t. The song finished and I composed myself. “That’s how we feel, we’re so lost without you.” “We miss you so much and I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep you safe.” “Your dad and I are going to choose you a special name, something beautiful and with meaning.” “We just need to find out if you’re a girl or a boy and then I’ll come back and tell you what we’ve chosen.” “I’m sorry if you’re a girl and I keep calling you a boy” “I’ll be back to see you once you’ve had your operation, I promise!” “I love you all the 8s, my perfect sleeping beauty”
The midwife came back in to put him back to bed but I was still talking to him so she left and told me to buzz when I was ready. I didn’t like this midwife, she wasn’t careful enough with him, by the time I buzzed she’d left and a nicer midwife had taken over, she very gently made sure I was ready and then carried him off and put him back to bed for me. I thought it would be easier this time, I was wrong watching them take him again hurt even more than before. I wanted them to call me when he left to go to Bristol, the thought of not knowing where my baby was was horrible, she put a note with him to call me before he left.
Anji came back in and they made us a cuppa whilst we waited for some test results. I showed Anji some photos of the baby whilst we waited, I didn’t mind her seeing photos, we just didn’t want anyone else seeing him in the flash, he is too precious and we wanted to keep him just for us.
The results came back with a possible infection so they sent me off with some antibiotics and assured me I didn’t have blood clots.
Again I left the hospital without my baby, this too hurt more than ever, how could I keep doing it? I’d promised Boris I’d be back and going back I looked forward to but every time I go back, I have to leave again and that hurts more than words can describe……………..
This night will be continued………
Nayely Adelpha Foundation 