So we had an event, we had people who wanted to join us in going bald, we had a venue and we had a few stalls so there’s something for everyone – a really good family day out and all in memory of our sleeping beauty.
Londyn seemed so excited, her lost baby was famous, people knew the story and the baby would never be forgotten. She seemed to be dealing with it so well, yes she’d been quite and we’d had moments of pure sadness but on the whole she was ok – or so it seemed!
One evening we were sat at the dinner table just chatting, we’d finished eating, and Londyn just looked at me and said “sometimes I think I might just kill myself and go and be with the baby”………………….. My whole world fell out from under me! No mother ever wants to hear those words leave their child’s mouth. “Well you can’t” I replied, “the baby is with us in our hearts and our memories, we will never forget but what am I going to do if you leave me? I’ve already lost a child, I can’t lose you too. And you have a sister who needs you, think how sad everyone would be if you killed yourself! I wouldn’t have coped if I didn’t have you and Paisley!” She started to cry, “I know but I miss the baby, I don’t understand why he died” I held her in my arms for what felt like only seconds when she sat upright and asked if she could leave the table to play with Paisley.
I spoke to Nathan about it after she’d gone to bed and we agreed that we would spend the following day looking for support for her, I can’t lose another child, I know it’s selfish but these girls are all I live for, I need them.
The next morning we took Londyn to school and then set about trying to find support for her, we spent from 9am to 3pm calling different organisations, we’d find ones who offered sibling support and then we’d find they didn’t cover Somerset or we’d find ones in Somerset but they didn’t work with anyone under the age of 16! They were all great and they all tried to signpost us in the right direction but none of them could help us!
I was literally pulling my hair out, what could I do, she needed help and I didn’t have time to waste getting it for her. A lot of people suggested that this may have just been her way of expressing how sad she felt and suggested that we explore it with her when she got home, see if she even really knew what it ment to kill herself. I had questioned her understanding of how permanent it would be myself so what they suggested I done made perfect sense.
In the end I made her a G.P appointment in the hope that they may be of some help and spoke to the school when I collected her, I explained the conversation we had had the previous night and they said they would get the school nurse to talk to her and she may be able to refer Londyn somewhere else if she felt concerned at all about Londyn’s well being.
It wasn’t a lot but it was a start!
When we got Londyn home I took her up to her room and we sat to have a talk, I asked her “Londyn, you know you said sometimes you want to kill yourself to be with the baby, when would you come back?” “Never” she replied, “I’d be dead” shit, she fully understands! “Ok, but how would you do it? And wouldn’t you miss being alive?” I asked, choking back tears. “I’m sorry” she sobbed, “I don’t really want to kill myself, I’m just so sad, it hurts so much and I don’t know how to explain it!” I held her so tight! It felt like I’d been holding my breath since she’d said it and now I could finally breathe again, a massive sigh of relief! She still needed help processing her grief but her life wasn’t at risk, she wanted to live! I told her I’d made her a doctor’s appointment and the school nurse was going to talk to her, this seemed to offer her some comfort, we chatted a bit more and then she said “I don’t want to talk about it anymore” so we didn’t, I changed the subject and we talked about her day at school and what she wanted for dinner.
This is where we still need to make improvements, people don’t realise the devastating effects it has on siblings when a child is lost in pregnancy. We were drowning in our own grief and we didn’t know how to help our girl, I was shocked to find there is no support in Somerset for siblings, and so our charity was born. We have to change this, we can’t stand the thought of another family going through what we are and finding there’s nowhere to turn to get help for their children! We decided we would start a charity I’m memory of the baby and our first focus will be to set up stay and play therapy sessions for children grieving the loss of a sibling. This will take time to set up, we’ll need training, equipment, a venue and volunteers to work with us but this is our goal and whilst we’re achieving our goal we will do whatever we can to support other families suffering in the same way we are.
Nayely Adelpha Foundation 