So much happened in the days following, I’ll start with Londyn. We took her to see the doctor who had a chat with her about how she was feeling, they had quite a good chat, the doctor explained that the grief was too new for them to work with her and if she was still feeling this way in a few months then we should bring her back. She said that in her experience what we were doing in letting Londyn lead her grief was the best thing we could do, Londyn was adamant she didn’t want to go to the baby’s funeral but her dad thought it would help and often when he gets an Idea in his head it’s difficult to get him to listen to anyone elses opinion. I felt that this should be Londyn’s decision but there was no way he’d listen to me so I took the opportunity to ask the doctor what she thought, as I expected she agreed with me that it should be Londyn’s decision and that to make that decision for her could ultimately be more damaging for her. This kept him off her back for a few days at least.
On January 24th, I went to see the baby again. We still didn’t have the gender results but it had been over a week since I’d last been and I hated the thought of him thinking I’d forgotten him or I didn’t love him. I phoned the mortuary when I was on my way, the lady on the phone warned me that he looked a lot different, she said she was worried I wouldn’t cope with what I saw but I had to go, especially if he wasn’t looking to great, I’m his mum and if he’s suffering I need to make a decision to have book the funeral without naming him.
I got there and he was all covered over, my hands were shaking so much I was scared I’d drop him, I couldn’t peel back the cover to look at him, I put him down on the table next to me but I still couldn’t steady my hands enough, in the end the lady uncovered him for me. She wasn’t lying, he looked a lot different, I couldn’t leave him anymore. I text Nathan and said we had a decision to make, I didn’t feel we could wait any longer to say goodbye, we’re his parents and it’s time to put him first! Nathan called me I was in floods of tears, “I’m coming in” he said. “No I’m fine, I mean if you want to then do but don’t do it for me, we have to book the funeral we can’t wait any longer for the results!” He agreed that this was the right thing to do for the baby. I apologised for not visiting sooner and for letting him get to this point and I promised we would lay him to rest now and I’d let him know his name at a later date. I kissed his face for what I knew would be one of the last times and said another painful goodbye.
I got back in the car and we phoned the Chaplin to see when we could book the funeral for, the soonest date they could do was February 1st at 14:30 and so it was booked, we made an appointment to see Julia (the Chaplin) on the Monday to get the order of service made up and finalise any details. The next stop was to get the flowers ordered, we’d chosen to have foam flowers like we’d had for our wedding a lovely lady at flower magic was doing them for us. We called in on the way home and she said she’d have them ready for us to view on Wednesday and if we we’re happy then we could collect them then.
I still can’t believe I’m planning our babies funeral, how did this even happen, it’s so wrong!…….
Nayely Adelpha Foundation 