If you follow us on social media you will be aware that we were going to write this blog as we asked for your input so if you relate to any of the comments in this post there is a very good chance that your shared experiences have contributed to the writing of this blog.
So as the title suggests we are going to write about the insensitive things that people have said following the loss of a baby.
This seems to be more common than you might think. Is it purely that people just don’t think before opening their mouths or can people really be that horrible and insensitive?
So where should we start? I suppose we should start with the most common statements, things like ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ ‘at least you were early’ ‘you can always try again’ ‘it’s gods plan’ or ‘it wasn’t even really a baby’.
- It wasn’t meant to be – how is that supposed to bring anyone any comfort? If it wasn’t meant to be then why was a baby growing inside me? If it wasn’t meant to be then why did a woman have to go through the joy of finding out she was pregnant only for that to be ripped away from her?
- At least you were early – like the gestation is some sort of marker for how sad you should feel. How hard you should grieve. You should only feel this sad because you were only this far along in your pregnancy.
- You can always try again – this one is horrible on multiple levels. Try again? – You failed this time. Try again? – You can do better. Try again? – Replace your loss. All such horrible things to feel just because someone says you can always try again.
- It’s Gods Plan – If you believe in a God or any kind of higher power then ask yourself why the ‘creator’ would allow something so heart-breaking to happen to anyone. Why would he choose people to suffer this immeasurable pain? I this higher power truly loved us all then loss wouldn’t happen to anyone.
- It wasn’t even a real baby anyway – who determines when you can call a baby a baby. For us personally our baby was a baby as soon as we knew she was there, as soon as we knew we were pregnant we were having a baby.
Surely no one believes up until their 12 week scan that their pregnancy is not a baby? Do they? Are there people who think that a pregnancy is just a ball of cells until the pregnancy is complete and the baby is born alive and well? Maybe there are.
One lady who shared her experience with us shocked us, below is a statement about her miscarriage experience:
“When I lost my little one it was a horrific miscarriage. I was taken for a scan in the middle of the night after suffering substantial blood loss. The woman scanning me clearly wasn’t impressed about having to open up the department in the middle of the night. The sonographer scanned me and said “It is non-viable” and at that point she handed me some paper towels and left the room. I was devastated. How can anyone be so cruel? Do these professionals not have a duty of care to work within.
Another lady who got in touch with us reports just being asked the following question – Do you mind filling out this questionnaire about how we dealt with your case today?
How would you even answer those questions? How insensitive on a scale of 1-10 were our staff today? How happy were you with the outcome of your appointment today? As if your experience today wasn’t bad enough please tell us how we can improve our service – how about some empathy? The lady who submitted this statement had already been seen in the Early Pregnancy Assessment Centre as this was her 5th consecutive loss in a year, this information would have been available to the staff on duty. So why was she treated so badly?
Nayely Adelpha Foundation 