Following on from yesterdays blog we continue with our series on insensitive things to say – please leave your thoughts below.
- Think yourself lucky that you were early on – LUCKY? Where is the luck? I had already experienced the luck when I was lucky enough to find out I had been blessed with being pregnant. In relation to my pregnancy that’s all the luck I needed. How is losing a baby and going through all this heartache and pain in anyway lucky? How am I supposed to carry this pain with me everyday and still count myself lucky?
- Are you going to have more? Now whilst this isn’t necessarily an insensitive thing to say it is all about timing. Just as a note to anyone thinking about asking this question our advice is this – WAIT!!! This is not a question that you can ask upon finding out that someone’s baby has died. In fact the more I think about it, this question doesn’t need to be asked at all. Just be there to support us if we choose to have more children.
- You can always have another one – As if my baby is simply replaceable. I don’t want to ‘replace’ my child. I wanted my baby. Also, whilst I may be able to have another baby did you stop to consider that I might not want to. I may not ever find the strength to face the risk of going through this pain again? Will I be able to put my family through this again? Will I be able to cope with peoples insensitivity if I have to go through this again? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
- God wanted him more – INCORRECT! No-one could ever want my baby more than I did? No-one could ever love my child as much as I do. It’s just not possible.
- You never ring to see how I am, I just lost my grandson – This was said to one dad who had lost his son. The grandmother offered no support to him at the time. This kind of thing where one persons grief is deemed more important than someone else’s is something we have touched upon before and a topic we will be looking at in greater depth at a later date.
This next few parts of this blog are direct quotes. Some of these are unbelievable.
I called the nurse at my doctors office on a Friday afternoon at 15:00 to get some advice the response was this – “Your wife will miscarry in 6 to 7 days, make an appointment and come back after it happens” CLICK…… The nurse had hung up on me, they said no more. This man had phoned for advice, some support, sympathy, why was that too much to ask? How many other people had this nurse treated this way? How many people had been left destroyed and feeling alone like this family did?
I recently had a doctor tell me that I needed to forget my Daniel and move on. This was after I went to her because I was experiencing emotional difficulties. I mean even if it were that easy I would never forget my baby boy just because it was too painful to remember him. I just had no words. I asked her “did you just tell me to forget about my son?” It was at this point back-peddling ensued but the damage was done – she couldn’t put that shit back in the donkey. Now this man had been trying to make sense of his feelings only to have them dismissed by a professional, someone whose job it is to provide resources, support and if necessary medication to help people cope. A professional who should know better.
Another man states the midwifery team who ‘looked after’ him and his wife following their loss was terrible. His wife wqsnt given medication to induce her labour. The room that they were allocated at the hospital wasn’t cleaned during the week they were there and he reports that they were ‘pretty much forgotten about’. HIs wife was told during her labour that ‘it will be just like a normal birth would be if she was still alive, you will be able to hold her straight away’. What actually happened was quite different. Their daughter was born at 09:33 and was taken away. No cuddles, no kisses, no photographs – NOTHING! Their daughter was returned to them at 12:30. This couple were told they could have as many people as they wanted and needed in the room they were given to support them and to meet their daughter. This was quickly changed following the birth and a strict 2 visitors only rule was implemented and people were asked to leave. He also suggests that one of the midwives who tended to them had also spoken of experiencing a miscarriage so why was she so unsympathetic? Do these staff not have any training relating to compassionate care?
Writing this blog has asked more questions that require answers so we will look at those in future posts.
Nayely Adelpha Foundation 