I remember the lead up to Londyn’s first birthday, all the things she had achieved in what seemed like the fastest year ever!
The years really do go so fast, I can’t say the same about the ones that don’t get to grow up….. One year ago today I gave birth to my youngest, it’s been the longest most painful year of my life and if you know me you’ll know I’m no stranger to long and painful. But this past year has hurt more than all the rest of it put together.
One year ago today I was forced into labour at only 16+3 because my baby was dead and my body (despite not being able to keep her alive) didn’t want to let her go. They induce you by giving you a tablet to bring on contractions. I could only have half a tablet at a time due to having had cesarean section with both my other girls, I was told I’ll never have a vaginal birth, they were wrong, I can birth naturally, just not living babies.
Because I couldn’t have the full dose and I had to wait longer between half doses they said it could take days to actually give birth but within an hour of my first dose the contractions started, I was in labour.
Over nine long hours of full labour contractions, and then one massive contraction lasting 20 minutes and a lot of pushing and there she was, our beautiful, perfectly formed, silent and lifeless daughter. My heart broke all over again. The midwife wrapped her up and put her in her bed whilst I delivered the placenta, although this was not straight forward, I hemorrhaged, the cold rush over my body as the blood poured out of me. There was a split second where I thought about pushing, I just wanted to be with my baby. It was only a split second thought because I knew I couldn’t leave my other two and I couldn’t put Nathan through that.
We spent the night with our girl, I’ll never forget the way she smelt, the feeling of her skin when I kissed her or that magical time we had to say goodbye, we were in our own little bubble just us and our girl. It sounds crazy but having already lost two and not having the chance to say goodbye that one night will always be a difficult but happy memory.
One whole year ago, it’s been such a long and agonising year. My heart still hurts and sometimes I still forget we lost her, how can someone so perfect, beautiful and healthy just die, it doesn’t seem real but I know it is because my heart still aches for her.
I don’t really know what today is, it’s her birthday because it’s the day I gave birth to her but it’s not her heavenly birthday because she died long before she was born and it’s not the birthday she should have had if she hadn’t died but it is her birthday, it’s been a year since I stopped being pregnant and a year since I met her and a year since I faced leaving hospital without my baby. Birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions and yet this one hurts so much.
I hope you know how loved you are Nayely Adelpha Clapp, I hope you know how much we wanted you and I hope you know that even though we didn’t get to keep you, we will never regret having you, our little sky baby đź‘Ľ. One year since…………
Nayely Adelpha Foundation 