Author: nayelyadelphafoundation

It’s been 4 months since we gave birth to Nayely and I’ve suddenly started remembering things, the fun things like the time I sat in the bath and suddenly had a craving for a slush puppy. It was a Sunday night and all the shops were shut, I wanted to cry then I remembered that the news agents open till 10pm, it was 9:30pm I quickly called them to make sure the slushy machine was still on and then sent Nathan to get me one of each flavour! And the time when I got excited at an all you can eat Indian because they had chunks of watermelon as a desert, I hate watermelon but Nayely loved it and she made me eat loads of it. Oh yes and the time when I had such a strong craving for Brussel sprouts – I ate too many, gave myself such bad trapped wind I looked like I’d gone into labour! Chocolate cake was another of my cravings. I also had the strangest thing I’ve never experienced this before, physical cravings, like I would be sat down with the family and I’d suddenly get this overwhelming need to have a bath and I would only drink through a straw. My sister Kimberley actually bought me a box of 100 straws as a joke! On the not so nice side, she made a cup of tea taste like it had been brewed with fish water the smell of coffee made me gag and I couldn’t wear any perfume for the feeling I would pass out. In all of the sadness I’d forgotten these funny moments, I must say I’m still miffed that she made me eat watermelon and ruined my cup of tea but I do love her and I’m glad I’ve remembered all of these things. I can’t face blogging the funeral today so I thought I’d share this with you instead, I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about my cheeky girl and how her personality showed, I didn’t get to meet her alive and in the flesh but I feel like she was showing me who she is from the start, she’d have been a funny, cheeky, wonderful little character. We love you Nayely Adelpha Clapp, forever and 8 xxx

As we went to bed on the 31st it started snowing, I hoped it wouldn’t settle but we had a backup plan if it did, we know enough people with 4x4s, I didn’t know what would have happened if we couldn’t get there – would they just do her funeral without us?

The next morning we woke up all too soon. We both felt strange, calm and normal not like we were going to our babys funeral today, more like we were going to a christening. I felt guilty for feeling ok but if that’s what my mind needed to do to get me through then what could I do!? We opened the blind to see a white blanket over the town, not only had the snow settled but it was thick! Nathan said he would go into town and see what the main roads were like. Whilst he was gone Julia phoned me, I thought she was going to say she couldn’t do the funeral but I was wrong, she was just checking we could get there, I told her we could but I didn’t know about anyone else, she said we could postpone it if we wanted but that felt like the wrong thing to do, she needed laying to rest.

Nathan got home and said that once you’re out of our street the roads are fine so we were going in our car. And hopefully that would also mean that other people would be able to get there too although we’d have understood if they chose not to.

We got dressed and ready to go, I wore the dress I’d worn to my girlie Christmas meal, it was the last time I’d got dressed up blissfully unaware of what would happen, happy and still pregnant, I wonder if I’ll ever be that happy again? Nathan wore a shirt and trousers with a plumb tie to match my tights and Paisley wore a pink and plumb dress. We always try to dress with an accent colour so we look like we’re together and we felt that today should be no different. we decided we would leave earlier so we could drive with caution (although this really wasn’t necessary in the end, the roads were absolutely fine.) We decided to leave at 12:30, this would give us an hour to do a 30 minute drive. I checked the time, it was only 11am and we were all ready. Charlie called to let us know that the hall was all set up and ready to go. So many people sent us messages of support and love it was very touching.

The time came when we had to leave, I still felt surprisingly calm, the drive over was fine, the roads were completely clear and so we actually got to the hospital early. We went up and waited outside the chapel, a man walked past with a black sports type bag and went into the chapel, I looked at Nathan ” that’s her” I said “Nayely’s in that bag” I don’t know how I knew but I did, it was her and once the man left with the bag Julia took us in to be with her, we sat and talked to her still feeling too calm, too ok with what was happening. We had an hour before people were due to arrive, at this point we still didn’t know exactly who to expect, we knew that some people were already at the hospital in the cafe but we didn’t know who else would make it and at that moment we weren’t even that bothered, we had one hour left with our girl before we had to start our final goodbye.

Thursday 31st January, the day started as normal, we done the school run and met up with Charlie to go to Taunton to get the food for the wake and to put our girl to bed for the final time. It had snowed yesterday and they’d given for more but when we got up this morning the sun was shining and it was like it had never happened, I wish life could be like that, I’ll just wake up still pregnant like it never happened!

We drove over to Taunton and bought the bits we needed. Paisley was sat on the flatbed and just as we got to the till she fell off and bumped her head, a rather impressive lump and a bruise came up straight away, I felt sick, she’s always bumping herself and falling, it’s part of being a toddler but since we lost Nayely I can’t see it like that anymore.

After shopping we went to get lunch, we took the kids to one of those places that have the indoor soft play so they could play while we were waiting for the food, they loved it, I however couldn’t relax for the fear that Paisley woul fall off something and get hurt again!

13:30 came around to quickly and it was time to go and see Nayely, Nathan decided to come with me this time. This was the first time he’d seen her since the day after she was born, it was also the last time we would ever get to see her. We went into the room and she was bought through to us, Nathan held her to start with. We talked to her about her journey and how much we were looking forward to having her home we just wish she could have come home alive! We cried, a lot! Then Nathan kissed her and passed her to me, he said he couldn’t stay to watch me put her in the casket and so he waited in the next room from me, the lady bought out the casket and a screwdriver, she left me for a few moments to say my last goodbye and then she came and stood with me whilst I put my daughter to bed for the very last time! I laid her down in the bottom of the casket and lifted her tiny arm up over her teddy, I kissed her beautiful cheek one last time and took a deep breath in, I never want to forget that smell, her smell. I told her that we all love her very much, in fact we love her 8 because 8 has no end. I told her that I would see her tomorrow and I hope we do her proud, I will always love her, always miss her and never forget her and then I put the lid on and tightened the screws – that was it, I’ll never see my baby agin, I’ll never get to hold her hand or kiss her skin. I’ll never forget the way she smelt, the touch of her almost weightless body in my hand or the feel of her skin against my lips, I’ll never forget her, I’ll never stop yearning for her and my heart will never heal!

Wednesday January 30th we went to Taunton to get Nathan some trousers for the funeral, whilst we were there I popped in to see Nayely and tell her her name, I read the poems we’d chosen and played her the music. I told her I was sorry for calling her a boy for all this time but explained that she was in good company as I’d called both of her older sisters boys all through their pregnancies too! I explained that her names translated mean I love you and beloved sister. I told her that I’d be back tomorrow to put her to bed one last time and that I love her more than she’ll ever know and I’ll see her in my dreams and hold her in my heart until I join her in the clouds!

Before I left I asked the lady if I could have one of the 2 teddies she had with her and if I could keep her cord and clip, I just wanted to keep the bit that had joined us for those 16+3 weeks, I’d wanted to keep the girls cords but I’m scared of the cord so I can’t deal with it when it falls off and their dads wouldn’t let me keep them but there was no one there to stop me from keeping Nayelys cord so I took my opportunity. The teddy smelt so strong of her, I clung to it all day, just sniffing it. The smell made me feel calm, like she was still with me. I can still smell it in my head when I think about her, sometimes it’s comforting others it hurts.

Once I’d said goodbye again we went to look at her flowers, as I got out of the car I saw some that’s had been made up and my heart sank, I hoped they weren’t hers, they were too big and clumsy! We went in and there was the most beautiful and delicate display of foam daisy’s and forget-me-nots it was so much better than I’d imagined, there was just one thing missing, it needed a butterfly but it had to be small so as not to overbalance it, the lady in the shop pulled out the perfect sized little white butterfly and placed it on the wreath, perfect! The shop is called flower magic, and it truly is magic, the lady had hand clipped each flower and attached them perfectly because in her words “I did look for readymade ones but nothing seemed delicate enough for your little girl and I wanted it to be perfect!” And they are, everything we wanted and more!

Tuesday January 29th, it was a very slow start to the day we got up and done all of the usual things but it felt like a lot more effort to do anything.

We went to the first funeral directors but they were shut so we went to another one B.Gibbs in the main Street, I don’t remember exactly how we started the conversation but I think Nathan spoke, saying we were looking for an urn for our daughter but we weren’t really sure what we needed in terms of size. They were so kind, they showed us everything they had and sked if there was anything we liked the look of – there wasn’t but they never lost patients with us. We explained how tiny she was and that the funeral was on Friday and we didn’t like the idea of a scatter tube. They pulled out a catalogue and a tape measure so they could give us an accurate idea of the sizes, whilst we were looking someone else came in and in the kindest and most respectful way he asked her to come back later so as to give us their full attention, 3 members of staff all doing their best to make sure we found what we wanted for our Princess. Then we found it, it was the one we’d seen online but they could get it in different sizes, it felt somehow like Nayely had chosen it herself. We asked if we could buy that one and would they be able to get it in time for the funeral. The lady made a phonecall and there was one they could get to us by Wednesday or Thursday, the gentleman (I think the boss) said that he would arrange for the urn to be delivered to the crematorium and to have the baby bought back to wherever we wanted, we asked if she could be sent back to the hospital, (I know it’s silly but I really wanted to be able to bring my baby home from hospital) all we needed to do now was pay for the urn “how much do we owe you?” I asked, “oh no we’ll get that it’s our gift to you!” Well that was it, we’d held it together so well but with that single act of kindness we both broke down in tears, we don’t know these people, they turned customers away to give us their full attention and now they’re not only sorting out the arrangements but gifting us the urn! We were and are still overwhelmed by their kindness. We eventually pulled ourselves together, thanked them so much and asked if they would mind us making a donation for the cost of the urn to our just giving page on their behalf and then we left.

We went over to the phoenix for lunch and told Sarah what they’d done, we couldn’t believe the kindness they’d shown, people we’ve known for decades are ignoring us and yet complete strangers are being so kind and supportive.

Later that day Nathan e-mailed Julia with all of the details she needed for the order of service and that was that, there was nothing more we could do that day.

We picked Londyn up from school, she’d spoken to the school nurse again and told her how she doesn’t want to go to the funeral but her dad kept going on about it, this was a concern so the teacher took me aside to let me know, I assured her that Londyn wouldn’t be made to go if she didn’t want to and that I would talk to her dad again and tell him to drop it. The nurse had given Londyn a little light up candle and told her that when she’s at home or at her dad’s she’s to turn the candle on if she feels she’s not being listened to, I thought this was a great idea although Londyn never actually used it.

Monday the 28th of January, we went to meet with the Chaplin to finalise what we wanted for our daughters funeral. I know I keep saying it but how was this happening? We are supposed to be planning her arrival, wondering if she’s a girl or a boy, decorating her nursery and digging out all of the newborn stuff ready to meet her but instead we’re planning her funeral!

We spent a lot of time at the weekend making sure we had everything just right, that we were both “happy” with the choices and we felt we were giving her a good send off. That in itself is ridiculous, we haven’t even welcomed her to the world and we’re planning her send off.

Julia was lovely as always, she talked us through everything and gave us an Idea of what would happen and how the order of service might look but told us we could change absolutely anything we wanted to suit Nayely. We decided to have 2 songs, one to walk her in to and one to play at the end whilst people lite candles for her. We wanted one hymn to be sang in the middle ish of the service and I was going to read 2 poems but I’d read them as one. We asked if she would name Nayely for us as she’d not been officially named and she’d never get a proper christening. I wanted to carry her into the room and we wanted a photo of her up with her casket. She showed us what the casket would look like and showed us the scatter tubes her ashes would be put in.

I asked if I would be able to see Nayely one more time on the day and she said no, that the casket would be closed the night before so I asked if I was able to be the person who put her in and closed the lid, to put her to bed one last time. She called the mortuary and checked they would be ok with that, they said it was fine and I should call them to make an appointment and they’d make sure she was ready for me.

We left it that we would email Julia with the song titles and artists, the words for the poem and her name and meaning of her name. We told her that we’d ordered the flowers and we be at the chapel an hour before the funeral to spend time with the baby. She said she would email us the order of service so we could make changes if we wanted to.

After we’d seen Julia we went to the pub where Nayely’s wake would be held, we had tea with Sarah (godmother) and Charlie. We discussed the plans for the day to make sure everything was booked and set to go smoothly, Charlie had offered to take us to get scones and jam so we could do cream tea at the wake and she offered to set it all up for us on the day so that we didn’t have to rush back. Sarah said we could use whatever we needed to provide the cream tea, table cloths, crockery whatever. So that was that, nothing more we could do until Wednesday when we go to see the flowers. We could only have 20 people due to the size of the chapel so we put a post on Facebook to invite people to join us at the wake of they wanted to.

Later that evening Nathan and I were talking and it turned out that neither of us liked the scatter tube, it didn’t seem right for her forever home so we went online to look at urns – where do you even start, I know nothing about urns let alone one for a baby so tiny we looked and looked and we did find one that we liked but we had no idea about the size or anything really so we decided we would go to town in the morning and speak to the funeral director and see if they could help us make sense of the sizes, but for now it was time to settle down with the telly on and try to get some sleep.

The night of the 24th we laid in bed making our final decisions on things, starting with the baby’s name. We decided that if it was a boy we would call him Jonah Edelios – Jonah means dove this put us in mind of the dove who bought back a branch and showed Noah that the storm was over and Edelios means he who remains young, as the baby would always be our baby this name also felt right to us. If it was a girl then she would be called Nayely Adelpha – Nayely means I love you, this needs no explanation and Adelpha means beloved sister, again no explanation needed.

The next day we were about to go and book the hall for the baby’s wake when we got a phonecall, it was an Irish man, he asked if he could speak to Mrs Clapp, “yes that’s me!” It was the other Chaplin from the hospital, he was calling to let us know that the gender results were back – the baby is a girl, another beautiful daughter! It hit me like a train – I love being a mum to girls and I’m sure I’d love being a mum to a boy but I know I love my girls! I never thought I’d be lucky enough to have a daughter and now I have 3! I wish she could have stayed, me and my girls, we would have driven Nathan mad! Our beautiful Nayely Adelpha Clapp, she must be so cross with me for calling her a boy for all this time!

We went and booked the hall, one of Nayely’s godmothers owns the pub where the hall is, to tell her the news I asked her to book it as Nayely’s wake and with that I broke into tears, I’d started grieving the loss of the pregnancy then I met the baby and I started grieving the loss of our baby I was grieving the loss of all the dreams we had for the baby and now I faced another wave of grief, the loss of our daughter!

Londyn was at her dad’s that day so he sent her up to see us, we told her the results were back, her face lit up – “the baby’s a girl, Nayely Adelpha Clapp!” She was really happy about it, we’d already explored the names with her before we decided for definite and she really didn’t like the name Jonah so she was very happy to hear it was a girl. I found her reaction rather strange and slightly worrying so I asked her dad to keep an eye on her for me. She was so happy to have another sister it made me question if she understood that Nayely wasn’t coming back, I didn’t know what to think of it all.

I couldn’t cope with ringing round and telling everyone, neither could Nathan so we texted a few and then we done a Facebook post to tell everyone else. I’d already prepared a post for it but the day had been so emotional and exhausting that I completely forgot.

Just when you think you can’t possibly hurt anymore than you already do – you get hit with another wave of grief and it hurts more than ever!