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I say her name everyday my little Nayely Adelpha and it’s still not enough. It will never be enough.

Something I regret is not holding her more when I had the chance. Those times Emileen went back to the hospital to see her. I should have gone with her. I should have been supporting my wife and cradling my baby. I’m her Daddy. I should have done more, I’m sorry baby girl.

Now I sit here, hurting and broken knowing that I’ll never get the opportunity to put things right. I’ll never get to cuddle my baby girl again. It hurts so much. I can’t put into words exactly how much because it is immeasurable. I’m falling apart today and I don’t know what to do.

I’m so sorry Nayely.

Anyone who knows me, knows how absolutely petrified of all flying things I am. You’ll also know that I suffer from irrational anxieties when it comes to my children. I live in fear that something awful will happen to them (this has only become worse since the death of Nayely) put those two things together and I’m a complete mess.flying things include wasps and bees, now I’m not scared of them for the fear of being stung, I’m scared of them because they can fly…..However they can sting and some people are allergic to the stings and some allergies can kill and I don’t know if my children are allergic to stings therefore I don’t know if being stung will kill them! As you can imagine, summer in my head is a particularly anxious time.I know it’s irrational and I know it’s not fair to put my fears onto the children and so I do my best to avoid bees and wasps, i.e I don’t have plants in my garden I stay clear of bins in town (I’ll even cross the street to avoid them) and when I do find myself faced with the flying stingers I do my best to hide my fear from the children.I’ve done a pretty good job of it, Londyn is nervous of them but not scared and Paisley thinks they’re pets and she wants to smooth them!So as I said I try to avoid them, or at least I used to until my daughter died. Now, Nayely was born at only 16 weeks gestation, she was tiny (I could hold her in the palm of my hand) so for her to have flowers for her casket they had to be tiny, we opted for forget-me-nots mainly but to be filled in with other tiny meadow flowers. This lead to us wanting a memorial garden for her. Nayelys memorial meadow!I now have loads of flowers in my front garden and loads of flowers equals loads of bee’s, bees I have to take my children past every day more than once a day!The point of this post is to show just how powerful a parents love can be, my children are my world, I’d do absolutely anything for them and I just want people to see that that includes all of them, so when you ask me how many girls I have and I answer 3 even though you can only see 2 I want you to realise that yes I do include my dead daughter and that’s because I would still do anything for her just as I would her sisters, she might not be here in person but for her I face fears I never thought I could and I face them everyday because it makes me feel closer to her!I not only face bees near my children but I embrace them in my garden, Nayelys garden, because they will keep her garden alive, something I couldn’t do for her😔.
And everyday I face my biggest fear, living without one of my children, and I do this because I love my girls, all of them, and I have to live for them for her to live through me.There’s no stronger love than the love a parent has for their children, in heaven and on earth. ❤️👼❤️

After writing a piece on molar pregnancies one of our followers contact me with her very own journey of loss, this woman is incredibly brave and has suffered so much and yet she still finds it in her to try and help others who are suffering a loss and to battle on raising awareness! Please take a moment to read her story in her own words, I’ve got so much respect for this woman and I’m sure you’ll agree once you’ve read this!

1st missed miscarriage

My 1st loss story.

After having my daughter in June 2014 after a long infertility struggle, I decided I didnt want to have anymore children as I had had a very complicated pregnancy and a traumatic delivery that has left me with severe medical issues. So I went onto a contraceptive pill, anyway I bled continously for 12 weeks and had to go to EPU to have an ultrasound scan to see if I had any retained placenta which I didnt have, I was told that I had a hormonal imbalance (story of my life) I was also added onto norethisterone to stop the excessive bleeding. Anyways a few days later my bleeding had all stopped so my other half & I were finally intimate with each other and didnt have anything to worry about in relation to conceiving because I was on the pill and I had my issues of infertility before. Anyway a few weeks later I was urinating alot more than usual but I just put it down to my bladder issues from a 4th degree tear I got in labour, but then the next couple days I started to feel sick like a hung over feeling and I remember feeling like this with my little girl before the hypermesis kicked in so I ended up going to the shop to get a clearblue digi at it was positive 2-3 weeks pregnant. My other half & I was very scared because of the issues I’d had in previous pregnancy, issues with delivery, our little girl was in scbu (special care baby unit) and me in theatre after delivery, PND and both me & my little girl having many health issues, but after a couple days we adjusted to having another a little baby, we were so excited to give our little girl a sibling. I then got hit hard with hypermesis and couldnt move with out vomiting loads, I couldnt eat, drink, I couldn’t even look after my daughter, my other half was a godsend! At 5 weeks I had a slight bleed and had to go EPU for an US, baby was in the right place but no heartbeat, I was told it can go either of two ways that it’s to early for a heartbeat or baby may not grow, we went back two weeks later for a rescan and their was a lovely strong heartbeat I was so happy that our baby was all safe & snug and I didn’t think I would ever loose a baby as I had never experienced it before and never been around anyone who had a loss before. I then had another scan at 9+ weeks with a consultant because of my medical issues and found that babies heart had stopped, I was distraught, devastated and heartbroken. Despite being scared at the beginning of being pregnant again we had started to plan moving, getting a double buggy, names and all sorts, it was heartbreaking to loose our little baby, our daughters little baby sister or brother, our hopes and dreams! It were shattered in a matter of seconds. I then had to make a decision on whether to have medical management or ERPC (evacuation of retained products of conception) or natures course, I chose to have ERPC as I didn’t want to carry our baby inside my uterus with no heartbeat. Whilst awaiting for ERPC days later I felt like this wasnt real, when I would sleep I had dreams about our pregnancy and our baby and when I would wake I would think the bad news was a dream until I’d realised it was actually true, I would feel empty, apart of me was dead and I didnt feel the usual me and havent done since. The morning of ERPC I had to go hospital for 7am and to have fasted, I felt so sick as I still had all pregnancy symptoms even though my little baby was dead. They got me a bed and when I got in my gown they inserted tablets to soften my cervix for them to open in surgery and not long after I was taken to theatre and put to sleep. When I woke in recovery it was awful, this feeling you have is horrid, I felt like part of my body was missing, I felt like something had been stripped from my body, my body didn’t feel whole anymore, my heart didn’t feel whole anymore it felt like a major organ had been removed from my body. I just cried and cried in recovery. When taken back to ward they got me some toast and a drink and told me to rest as I had bled more than expected. After a few hours I was allowed home and I was devastated, everytime I looked at my daughter I kept imagining if our baby would look like our little girl, imagining them playing together, I tortured myself with our hopes and dreams of what if and I still do now 4 years down the line. After this loss my body struggled I bled continously for 8 weeks, heavy and with lots of clots, my body struggled to come to terms with what happened.

2nd missed miscarriage

After my 1st missed miscarriage we wanted to try again as soon as possible but I had bleeding issues for the 8 weeks post ERPC, during that time I was put on norethisterone to stop bleeding, so we kept trying when I had periods of no bleeding. We ended up conceiving quite quickly and again I had really bad sickness and was put on anti emetics for hypermesis. I had to have an early scan and again baby was in the right place but no heartbeat, like before I was told it could be to early or potentionally bad news. We went back two weeks later and baby was there with a strong heartbeat. I had all my horrible symptoms which weren’t very reassuring to me as I’d had symptoms in my previous missed miscarriage, I was a complete bag of nerves. I was constantly worried that my baby had died inside of me. I had my booking in appointment late because I was petrified of things going wrong and had all my bloods done & genetic bloods done to check from chromosome issues & gender and was awaiting for Nuchal/dating scan at 14+ weeks and consultant appointment at 14+ weeks. I then went for my Nuchal scan and was so excited I was talking about the pregnancy to a friend, that it was a little boy and about names, walked in to the scan room, laid down on the bed in a dark & cold room and was awaiting for the image on the screen, I was waiting to see my baby bouncing around on the screen but all I could see was this lifeless baby on the screen all perfectly formed, I was devastated, I came out of the room in tears and couldnt believe my luck. I booked in for medical management/induction 3 days later where I would have been 15 weeks, on that day I arrived at the hospital thinking it would be quick but was there for four days. I had to take these tablets which made me violently sick, upset stomach and a fever. I was told by the nurses I had to catch everything I passed but I was so embarrassed because I had dirrohea from the tablets I couldnt seperate everything as so much blood etc was coming out at the same time, I apologised to the nurse and she was very rude to me about it at such a sensitive time when I couldnt control my bowels or the blood loss, I ended up breaking down wishing for everything to just stop. I ended up having 12 tablets over 16 hours but I couldn’t deliver the baby, he was stuck in the birth canal and all I kept passing was large clots and loads of blood which wasn’t any fetal tissue, I ended up needing oramorph due to contractions and being so tired. In the end they tried doing vaginal examinations to feel for our baby and then used a speculum to get a better look to try and remove baby with tiny little forceps but when trying to pull they were damaging my tiny little Elijah I was in hysterics and telling them to stop. After this I was rushed for an emergency ERPC, after this loss my body recovered very well, I bled for 4 days and then didnt have an AF (period) for 10 weeks but my mind didnt deal well this loss, I found it so hard to deal with what I saw, barely having any support and feeling so alone & isolated. Again I felt like I had failed everyone yet again, no one would speak about my baby and just avoided me and the people who did speak to me told me to get over it. A loss of a baby is so hard and its not something you can just get over.

My 3rd missed miscarriage.

My 3rd missed miscarriage wasn’t my 3rd loss, but im telling the story of all missed miscarriages. So after I had my 2nd daughter we decided to try again quite quickly because of our issues in the past with fertility, losses and my health. We conceived about 10 weeks after having our second daughter via c-section (we thought it would take alot longer). I had the same symptoms I always get, bladder issues being even worse than they are normally, bowel changes, sickness, headaches, worse insomnia then I usually have and worse body aches than usual. I went to EPU and had an early scan at 6 weeks and nothing found in my uterus so was being treated as a PUL (pregnancy of an unknown location) I had bloods which were 7,998 I went back 48 hours later and had them done again and it was 13,456 so they got me straight in for another ultrasound and baby was found in uterus with a strong heartbeat. At 8 weeks I was admitted into hospital because of the hypermesis, was on IV anti emetics & fluids because I was severely dehydrated, they were also treating me for a blood clot in my lung. Whilst I was there I had another scan and baby was still very snug and safe. So I had booking in appointment and had bloods done and discussed everything about my health and my losses. I was booked into have dating scan and consultant appointment between 14-15 weeks and whilst awaiting I had a 4D scan and at my place they advertise gender scans from 15 weeks they were correct for my 2nd daughter at 14 weeks. So had 4D scan in my 14th week and baby was perfect, kicking and moving, heart beating away and to the sonographer 99% boy. Then a few days later went to nhs dating scan babies heartbeat had stopped. Again was booked in for medical management/induction the next day, we went in but then was told they had no beds and to come back the next week, which was devastating knowing I still have my dead baby inside me, I was hoping baby would flutter again for me, but he didnt! I kept hoping they were wrong and his heartbeat would start again. Even at some points I felt like he kicked me but it wasnt it was just muscle spasms/twinges. I found it so hard as I had a bump, I had grown my little baby boy and again my body has failed to keep my baby safe. So the next week we went back and started medical management this time I had no dirrohea issues, I had severe pain in my back so had to have oramorph straight away, was bleeding more or less straight away. But still had issues with passing baby, after about 12 hours I was taken upto theatre and whilst being prepared I felt like I needed the toilet and because I had already had the meds put in IV to make me sleepy they said they would put a bed pan underneath me as I wouldnt be able to stand, anyway whilst urinating I could feel something massive trying to come out and this very large red sack came out, which they were able to tell me in medical terms it was fetal remains but no placenta, so I was told I would still need surgery I asked to see my little boy, I was told I could have a couple of minutes, thats all a couple of minutes with my baby who I was never going to see again, so they passed me my tiny little boy, I got to see him, touch him and hold very briefly, he was a formed tiny little baby. I was able to get a couple pics of him and then I was taken through to have ERPC to remove the placenta, when I woke I was in hysterics, I wanted my baby back, I wanted to see him again and I was told I had a hemmorhage and that everything will be ok. After this one I had to go straight back to the ward my 2nd daughter was on as she was an inpatient and very poorly and I literally broke down on the ward, I couldn’t contain the upset, I cried loudly and I was unable to deal with it anymore, I had so many nurses around me trying to find out what was wrong, I know I shouldn’t have lost it but I couldnt contain my grief, why has this happened to me again is all I could think and I found it so hard as me and my sister were pregnant at the same time literally a few days apart so seeing her bump, and my bump that still remained was torture. I didn’t like being around my sister as everyone spoke about her pregnancy and her baby like mine never existed and I was told by friends they left me alone because they thought ti needed space, which I did not! I wanted people to acknowledge me, my feelings and my baby boy, my beautiful Castiel, well all of my babies.

My 4th missed miscarriage & partial molar.

After my 3rd missed miscarriage we started to try again when bleeding had finished and we had been given the all clear. We ended up conceiving 3 cycles later, ti remember so clearly doing a test and seeing those two pink lines and becoming so excited and so scared at the same time, I wanted everything to be good and perfect this time, I hoped so hard it would be good. Again we had an early US which had shown no pregnancy in my uterus again so was being treated as pregnancy of unknown location, I had bloods done and my HCG was high at like 30,000 so everyone was baffled as to why no pregnancy was seen in an US and prepared me that it was most likely in the wrong place, 2 days later I had more bloods and they had risen significantly so I had another US preparing myself for the worst and low and behold my baby was on the screen safe and snug in my uterus with a lovely strong heartbeat, as you can imagine I was so scared because of my history, with each of my missed miscarriages I’ve had similar beginnings, so I was petrified it was going to end the same way. I had the same pregnancy symptoms as usual and was even admitted again for hypermesis, I was on daily emetics at home which helped a little and kept me from being admitted again. With this one I had a private scan at 9 weeks and everything was great, baby moving around as happy as can be. We was taking it day by day, week by week. Then at 10 weeks and 6 days I went to the toilet and had fresh blood upon wiping so I rang EPU. They could only fit me in 6 days later at 11+5 I was panicked but trying to keep hope, I had no more bleeding and thought everything could potentially be fine or had my body failed me and my baby again. I went into the sonographers room laid on the bed and awaited to see the screen, straight away I saw a still heart, no flickers, no strong heartbeat and my baby looked lifeless, so still, just dead. The lady was just staring at the screen and I said to her “there’s no heartbeat is there?” And she replied “i’m so sorry!”, I ended up walking out of there with a picture for memories and very angry with myself, I then said I would never try again, my sister was still pregnant but due soon, we started up pregnant together, due 3 days apart and I ended up loosing my little boy and then loosing this little bubba in her 9 months of pregnancy and I kept thinking what have I done wrong?, I did all the right things! I didn’t drink caffeine, I didnt smoke and I didnt eat anything I wasnt suppose to. I kept comparing how my sister drank energy drinks, loads of coffee and smoked but my babies were taken from me! I felt so angry, sad, alone, isolated and devastated. I was grieving and so confused and angry with my body and the world. I was booked in for ERPC as medical managements always failed me and I was told I needed the tablets to soften my cervix to which I refused, I was told I would be at risk of a damaged cervix or in other areas and I didn’t care, I was so upset with my body I didn’t care what happened to it. So I went to sleep for my ERPC and when I awoke I was in agony, I was empty and felt so useless. I also had another hemorrhage and had a fever so had to stay in a little longer but my body felt so hollow, I felt like I had no insides anymore, I was truly heartbroken. 3 weeks post ERPC I still had very dark positive pregnancy tests and bleeding continously which I was then told to wait a week and retest. The next week I was still positive and bleeding so was called back to EPU and scanned, the scan revealed I had a uterine AVM (arterial venous malformation) basically I had a cluster of arteries & veins visible in my uterus which put me at a risk of life threatening hemmorhages and other issues. I was told I needed surgery as I may have retained tissue because of the bleeding or the bleeding was a result of the AVM, but no surgeon would touch me, I was told if they operated and touched this area I could bleed out and die or they will have to perform an emergency hysterectomy to save my life. After hearing this news and being told I wouldn’t be able to have another baby I felt like my whole word had collapsed, my sister was coming up to her due date and I had nothing to show for those 9 months apart from scans pics, bumps pics and ashes for my angels and poor health. I had to go back to EPU at 5 weeks post ERPC for another US as HCG still wasn’t dropping and my AVM site had gotten bigger and they had now found I had a placental site tumor. I was then told what this meant and what could happen, by now the babies remains had already been cremated so they wasnt able to test the baby but I was diagnosed as having a partial molar due to the issues that arose and the fact their was a baby present. 4 days after this my sister was being induced and I was her birthing partner and the drive upto hospital I silently sobbed at the back of car, trying to hide my sadness for my babies. I found it so difficult but I’m glad I did it and was able to get past my upset. I bled for 18 weeks after this ERPC due to the AVM, hormonal imbalance and because of retained tissue. I had many hemorrhages and had to take many different medications to try and stop the bleeding. I had MRI’S & surgeries (embolization) to try determine how severe situations was and to try and treat the AVM. I had HCG levels still present until 16 weeks after ERPC as levels kept rising and I needed chemo injections to try and bring down HCG levels and to rid my body of trophoblastic cells. After this I was under investigations for recurrent losses, genetic testing and investigations which I was then diagnosed with Endometriosis, Ashermans syndrome, Adenomyosis and Adenomyoma (a complex tumor) these 18 weeks after ERPC was so difficult due to all the complications that arose and the uncertainty of my life and future for myself, my partner and my living children.

My 5 natural miscarriages were completely different to my missed miscarriages and were all between 6-10 weeks. I also didnt feel as ill with these as hypermesis hadnt started yet, I was still sick but managable and wasn’t needing admissions and anti emetics. I was just as excited when I saw my two pink lines, just because I lost them in different ways and they were much earlier than some of the rest doesn’t make me feel any different about these losses, they all mattered no matter the gestation or size of embryo or fetus in medical terms. They were all my babies, my much wanted babies that I had planned and tried for. With these I started spotting and tried to have hope that it was a implantation bleed and that it would stop but sadly it didn’t, with each the bleeding would get heavier, pain would be worse than a period until I passed my babies and then it would calm down, my body healed much easier and faster after a natural miscarriage.

I hope we can raise awareness over losses as its such a taboo subject and we should do more to support each other. I hate the fact that people will be out there struggling alone. A loss of a baby at any stage is heartbreaking to say the least and there should be more support for grieving parents.

Throughout life we find ourselves being put into boxes or groups. Sometimes that’s OK, sometimes it’s not.
For instance, if you were put into a certain group for your own safety (boxing weight divisions for example) most would deem that acceptable.
The problem is not everything can be decided this way.
This is why I’m writing this piece.
Boxes can be closed but even if you can keep a lid on it most of the time the ‘box’ that is grief can never truly be closed.

So why do people try to categorise grief?
Is it to give the rest of social easier cues to read? Is it to make it easier for others to know what to say and when?

Everyone manages their feelings and emotions differently so it’s impossible to put each person in a box. More than that though, why are we trying?

Society is so diverse. So many people, so many choices yet people still choose to categorise grief.

It’s been ……… since…………. happened. Isn’t it time to move on? Maybe it is or maybe that person needs more time. They will never be totally healed, it’s not possible.

Noone has the right to dictate how long someone grieves for. Or how they grieve.
Grieving isn’t determined by certain criteria. Everybody does it differently. Everybody has the right to do it their own way.
Silently, angrily, loud, destructive it doesn’t matter as long as it is helping the person suffering.

So please stop trying to put peoples grief in boxes.

If you don’t want to help deal with someones grief then just leave them alone.

Remember if you are grieving then do it your way. Whatever helps you to cope with the darkness. Be true to your own feelings. Don’t let others dictate your grief.

So following on from our blog ‘WHO MADE BABY LOSS A COMPETITION’ We ourselves learnt that we actually know very little about pregnancy losses, how they are termed, why certain things happen etc etc. So today we’ve put together a piece about Molar Pregnancy. This is a type of pregnancy we weren’t even aware of. Now you might think why didn’t we know about it. We will tell you why. Because we hadn’t encountered it before, we hadn’t been confronted by it.
So after some research online we constructed this piece.
Our aim is to bring awareness to the forefront. Make people talk about these difficult subjects so this will be the first piece in this series and we hope that we can give you enough information to help us break the silence around baby loss.

So here goes;

In the UK, about 1 in 590 pregnancies is a molar pregnancy.

What is a Molar pregnancy?

A molar pregnancy is a very rare complication of pregnancy. It occurs when something goes wrong during the initial fertilisation process and the placenta or the fetus do not develop properly.

A molar pregnancy can happen when something goes wrong in the early stages of fertilisation that means that the baby and placenta don’t develop properly. We don’t yet fully understand all the reasons but we do know that molar pregnancies are not caused by anything you or your partner have or haven’t done.

There are two main types of molar pregnancy:

Complete molar pregnancy
The fertilised egg of a healthy pregnancy is made up of 23 chromosomes from the mother and 23 chromosomes from the father.
In a complete molar pregnancy, genetic material from the mother is lost at the time of fertilisation. The egg contains only 23 chromosomes from the father and no chromosomes from the mother at all. This means that there is no baby.
The placenta develops rapidly with abnormal cells that grow as cysts. These cysts grow in clusters and can be seen on ultrasound. They are referred to as a mole.

Partial molar pregnancy
In a partial molar pregnancy the egg has the usual 23 chromosomes from the mother but is fertilised by two sperm, each with 23 chromosomes which makes 69 chromosomes in total rather than the normal 46.
Some normal placental tissue forms among the abnormal cells and a baby may begin to develop, but the baby will be genetically abnormal and unable to live beyond 3 months.

Symptoms of a molar pregnancy:
In many cases there may be no signs of a molar pregnancy and it may go undetected until your routine ultrasound scan at 11-13 weeks.

However, if you’re pregnant, these symptoms can be a sign of molar pregnancy:

Bleeding from the vagina which is dark and irregular
Severe morning sickness
Quicker growth around the tummy
Some tummy pain
Factors that increase the risk
If you’re younger than 20 or older than 35
A previous history of molar pregnancy, particularly if you’ve had more than two
A low intake of carotene (a form of vitamin A)
Ovulatory disorders such as Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
Living in or coming from certain areas – molar pregnancies are more common for women in Southeast Asia but it is unknown as to why.

What is the treatment for a molar pregnancy?

If a molar pregnancy is suspected, it is likely that you will be referred to a specialist centre to manage the condition.
An ultrasound scan and a blood test will be carried out to confirm the diagnosis.
Once diagnosed, it may be necessary to remove the abnormal cells with a surgical procedure under general anaesthetic. The procedure is sometimes called SMM (Surgical Management of Miscarriage) or D&C (Dilatation and Curettage) or ERPC (Evacuation of Retained Products of Conception.)

If you need surgery the options available to you and the types of procedures will be explained to you in great detail.

After the treatment, you will experience bleeding that may continue for up to six weeks after surgery and may be heavy and red at first. Some of the cells removed during treatment will be sent to the laboratory for testing and your pregnancy hormones (hCGs: human chorionic gonadotropins) will be monitored for at least six months in case they do not return to normal. Around one in ten women see no reduction in pregnancy hormones, and suffer a condition called persistent gestational trophoblastic disease, which means that abnormal molar cells continue to grow inside the womb. Fortunately treatment is available if this is the case and will be discussed with you as part of your ongoing care.

The main question that is asked following molar pregnancy is will I still be able to have a baby in the future?
The answer is yes, you have every chance of going on to have a normal pregnancy next time. The risk of another molar pregnancy is only about 1-2 percent.

With treatment and routine follow-ups, a molar pregnancy shouldn’t cause any problem to your long-term physical health.
However, you will have to wait a while after your pregnancy hormones return to normal before trying again. You’re advised to avoid pregnancy for six months from the end of treatment if the initial surgery is successful, or 12 months from the end of treatment if you had additional medical therapy.

How you may feel about a molar pregnancy.

Whilst all miscarriages are distressing, a molar pregnancy is unusual in that it brings shocks and anxieties over many months. Waiting for confirmation that any abnormal molar cells are eliminated and your pregnancy hormones are returned to normal, can make you feel like you’re in limbo. You may feel unable to grieve properly for the loss of your pregnancy. The process of finding out how things are progressing stage by stage can feel like a series of blows and the wait to conceive again can be stressful.
It’s important you don’t feel alone in your sadness or anxiety. Remember that most patients with successfully treated molar pregnancies subsequently go on to conceive healthy babies without any problems.

Following on from yesterdays blog about who made babyloss a competition I trawled through a select few social media accounts, blogs and forums and came across some more interesting points.

At NAYELY ADELPHA FOUNDATION we don’t solely focus on loss in pregnancy, we don’t focus on neo-natal or post neo-natal death, we feel we can offer more than that.
We try to support people at all stages of loss, and whilst our main aim is to roll out sibling support following loss we appreciate that everyone suffers following the death of a family member.

So back to yesterdays blog. It seems like it struck more than a few nerves on social media. Although I’m not sure everyone truly understood the sentiment of the piece.
Rather than focusing on specific stages of baby loss we feel baby loss should be equally represented.
If you lost your baby in the first weeks of your pregnancy or many years after the baby had been born, they were still your baby.

But apparently we are wrong for feeling this way. Apparently baby loss is a competition. It’s just not in the way I though it was. It would appear when we are talking about loss during or shortly after pregnancy that grief is measured on a sliding scale. This is what becomes apparent if you read ALOT online.

We have had messages from people who have lost their children to suicide, they have watched their babies grow into men and women. They have watched them flourish and then had them taken away again. Are their losses any less meaningful than someone who loses a baby during pregnancy or shortly afterwards? The answer is NO. They still lost their baby. Even if their baby was 30 years old.

Below are a list of recognised terms for losses during pregnancy. Please let us know how you would determine who’s grief is worse.

1
Chemical Pregnancy
Despite the name, a chemical pregnancy is not a false pregnancy or a false positive on a pregnancy test. In fact, it’s a very early miscarriage. Doctors believe chemical pregnancies are usually caused by chromosomal abnormalities.
You may be surprised to learn that some women who have a chemical pregnancy never even knew they were pregnant, as the bleeding from the pregnancy loss often occurs around the same time as a woman’s period. That being said, home pregnancy tests are so good now at detecting hCG levels, that many women often find out that they’re pregnant very early.

2
Ectopic Pregnancy
Ectopic pregnancies happens when a fertilized egg implants someplace other than in the uterus, such as in one of the fallopian tubes. Sometimes risk factors exist, but other times the cause is unknown. Symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy may include severe abdominal cramping, bleeding and dizziness. If undetected ectopic pregnancies can be fatal for mother and baby.

3
First-Trimester Miscarriage
First-trimester miscarriage, sometimes called spontaneous abortion, is very common but also heartbreaking. It’s normal to have a lot of questions about signs of miscarriage, diagnosis, miscarriage causes, treatment, and risk factors.

4
Blighted Ovum
A blighted ovum is a miscarriage in which the baby doesn’t develop, but a gestational sac continues to grow, and you may continue to experience pregnancy symptoms. A blighted ovum can be a missed miscarriage treated with a dilation and curettage, also known as a D&C, or it may end naturally.

5
Missed Miscarriage
A missed miscarriage is a pregnancy loss, usually in the first trimester, in which the doctor diagnoses the miscarriage based on lab results or other clinical evidence, but you haven’t had definite miscarriage symptoms like bleeding or cramping.

6
Molar Pregnancy
Molar pregnancy is a rare condition that causes pregnancy tissue to overgrow and the fetus doesn’t develop normally. Molar pregnancies never develop normally. The cause is a chromosomal abnormality that occurs at the time of fertilization. This type of pregnancy requires close follow-ups after treatment.

7
Second-Trimester Miscarriage
Late miscarriages, such as those in the second trimester, can happen for a number of reasons. Some of these causes might be chromosomal abnormalities, cervical insufficiency, congenital birth defects, placental problems, or other factors.

8
Preterm Delivery From Cervical Insufficiency
Incompetent cervix, or cervical insufficiency, is a medical condition in which the cervix dilates too early in the pregnancy, resulting in pregnancy loss or premature birth. Risk factors for cervical insufficiency include having had a dilation and curettage (D&C), genetic disorders, and cervical trauma.

9
Stillbirth
Stillbirth is the death of a baby in the womb before birth. Potential causes and contributing factors to stillbirth include infection, placenta problems, birth defects, pregnancy complications, high blood pressure in the mother, umbilical cord issues, and maternal medical complications.

10
Neonatal Infant Loss
Neonatal infant loss or death refers to the loss of a newborn baby younger than 28 days old, which can be considered a pregnancy loss. The most frequent causes of neonatal infant loss are prematurity and birth defects.

11
Termination of a Desired Pregnancy for Medical Reasons
Selective abortion is a divisive issue and a delicate matter for parents to consider when prenatal screening results in the diagnosis of a severe chromosomal condition with a poor medical prognosis.

Then of course we have post neo-natal death, childhood death due to illnesses, children born with life limiting diseases, accidents, suicides.

Why are any of these deaths not acknowledged in the same way. Whenever anyone dies, that person is someones son or daughter. Just remember that.

Whilst we are delighted that people have started to quote some of our work it takes the edge off when they question whether babyloss is a competition by making it a competition.
If you feel like your cause is bigger than everyone else’s or isn’t being given the coverage it deserves then make yourself heard.
But if you make the claim that you want to help everyone, then please help EVERYONE.

Everybody grieves differently, that is that persons right. Noone has the right to decide how much someone else should be hurting.

If you have followed us from the beginning you will know that we didn’t want Nayely to be defined as ‘just a miscarriage’
SHE IS OUR BABY!

BABY LOSS IS NOT A COMPETITION. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT.

WHO MADE BABYLOSS A COMPETITION?

I’ve been trying to think of a way to raise this discussion, a way to make people stop and think about their actions for a while now.
I’ve come to realise that it’s not worth it. I’ve started to realise that it won’t change.
People all over the world are suffering because of babyloss. More and more people find themselves heart broken everyday.

People want to make a difference in the babyloss community. People want to make their voices heard. I understand that. What I don’t understand is why it has to be a competition. We are all fighting the same fight.

Why is your grief bigger than mine? Why is your story more upsetting than mine? You have suffered the pain of babyloss as much as me!
Why do you feel that you deserve more recognition as a parent than I do?

I may have been a part of this painful community for less time than you, does that give you the right to make me feel like I deserve less than you?

WHO MADE BABYLOSS A COMPETITION?

I’ve been part of forums, support groups, online chats etc and have seen it posted in black and white.

‘We don’t post articles on behalf of other support groups’
‘we don’t allow posts relating to fundraising events’
‘we don’t share posts from other charity pages’
‘we will only share posts relating to donations if they are directly benefitting us’

So I keep asking myself, is this a community or a competition? Is this something I want to be a part of?
A loose definition of community is a group of people who have something in common.
Whilst this is the case, by which I mean we have all suffered loss; maybe some people need to reassess their approach.

I can’t do anything about the fact that my daughter died during pregnancy.
I can’t do anything about all of the other children lost during pregnancy or at any other time but I think I can uphold my thoughts and feelings about this matter.

We at Nayely Adelpha Foundation don’t just support families, we try to support everyone in the babyloss community. We have and will continue to support other people and groups who are trying to make a difference.

WHO MADE BABYLOSS A COMPETITION?

We are all fighting the same battle.
We are trying to get people talking about babyloss.
We are trying to support each other.
Encourage each other to continue to work at making a difference.
Noones grief is bigger than anyone else’s, more recent maybe but no bigger.

ARE YOU MAKING BABYLOSS A COMPETITION?

The days following the funeral felt long and empty, I don’t remember a lot of what happened. I know we had Londyn’s parents evening which was a bit of a trigger, her last parents evening I was pregnant. Her teacher commented on how quiet Londyn has been and that she often looks distracted, she said that Londyn was spending some time with the school nurse and she knows she can talk to her teachers if ever she’s struggling. She also said that despite everything that Londyn is going through her school work is top standard and in some areas she’s at a higher grade than expected, Londyn is a pleasure to heve in the class, she’s friends with many groups and will try to help anyone if she can. I of course already know how wonderful she is as I have the pleasure of being her mum but it’s still nice to hear it from other people.

We set up the Nayely Adelpha Foundation page on Facebook, ordered charity wristbands, charity collection boxes and started looking into what we needed to do to set up our own sibling bereavement support courses. It’s not going to happen overnight it’ll take time to raise money and get the training required but we had a focus, something we could do to help others in our situation and all in memory of our girl, her name will be spoken, her story will be told!

On the 6th of February Londyn’s dad and his girlfriend went in to be induced so Londyn was staying with me for the week, Gary was adamant they would go in and have the baby on the same day, he clearly can’t remember Londyn’s birth! We were awaiting a call to say we could pick Nayely up so I told him that I’d take Lonnie to see him if they were still in.

On the 7th February we got the call, she was back at the hospital and ready for us. I contacted Gary so that Londyn could see him because just as I said they would be, they were still in. Londyn didn’t want to come with us to collect Nayely so Gary took her to the cafe for hot chocolate. We went up to the chapel and there was Julia holding a purple bag, in the bag was Nayely. She passed her to me with a letter (the letter was something we need if we want to scatter her I think) the urn is beautiful and will go perfectly on her shelf with all her beautiful things. We asked Julia if she would take photos of us with Nayely, in the same way you would if you were bringing a live baby home from hospital. We wanted it all done properly, this is a sad time but we did get to bring our baby home, I’d never had this opportunity with the other two I lost.

We thanked Julia again and headed off to the cafe to get Londyn, she was excited to see us (more to see Nayely) she wanted to hold her, I told her she could when we get home. We sat and had coffee with Gary to give Londyn a bit more time with him and while we were waiting Nathan set up the WordPress site so we could start blogging.

We got home and whilst Nathan was cooking dinner Londyn got Nayely out, she had a cuddle and a little chat with her and then she said it was time for bed and we put her on her shelf, it felt so right to have her home, it was happening the wrong way but she was finally back with us!

This has covered pregnancy, Loss and parts of grief but it’s taking its toll on my mental health. I will be continuing with the journey but it won’t be every day, maybe not even every week. Nathan and I will continue to blog with other things but as I have done so far if I’m blogging our journey I’ll always title it Pregnancy, Loss, Grief And Beyond. Thank you so much for following us this far, I hope you all understand, i guess a massive part of grief is that you have to be selfish sometimes, I need to put my mental health first for the sake of Londyn, Paisley and Nayely. Grief and beyond to be continued.

It was a calm drive back, we talked most of the way, it was so different to the drive over, all of the tension had lifted and the air was clear, I didn’t expect to feel so calm!

Nathan dropped me back to the pub and he went to drop the car home and collect Londyn, she’d decided she wanted to come to the wake so she could play with her cousin Jack. As I went to walk in the side door to go up to the function room I saw Daisy, she founded single yellow rose after the loss of her daughter Belle, she said hi and gave me a hug, neither of us said a lot but that’s because we both knew and so words were not necessary. She didn’t come up to the wake as the memories were to hard for her but it ment a lot that she’d shown her face to pay her respects.

I went upstairs and there was a little table with gifts on it for Nayely, it was so nice, our friends had bought little things to go on her shelf with her when she comes home. I’ve thanked them all but I don’t think they’ll ever truly know how touched we were by this gesture, another little thing to show us how our girl impacted on the world and how much she meant to people even though they never got the chance to meet her.

We had a few extra guests at the wake, our friends Charly and Ben were there and a woman I’ve known since I was a child, Dawn, she’d lost her twins 22 years ago to the day so this day was already a difficult one for her, Nayely’s other godmother Kayleigh came up when she’d finished work, Tegenn popped in when she finished work and my sisters Anjis sister-in-law Sarah and her partner came to pay their respects and my younger brother Gabriel and our friend Mel popped up aswell.

On the table was the most beautiful frame and print that Charlie had had made for us along with a baby cherub Angel and some tea light candles, Willow had bought one of her teddies to give to the baby which was just the loveliest thought!, Charly and Ben had given her a letter N and an angel charm on a chain, Mel bought an angel bead decoration that she’d ment to give us for Christmas, Kayleigh gave her a teddy and Auntie Sheila and Laura gave her a crocheted brooch with her name embroidered on it Kimberley gave us an outfit that had belonged to her daughter Destiny and she’d kept back for Nayely and we received cards for her aswell. All of these things would go on her shelf with her and her flowers, a beautiful forever home for our beautiful and very well loved baby.

The wake was good, we all had chance to chat and laugh and smile about some of my crazy cravings and all the things we had hoped for and how blessed we were to have even conceived her. It was nice to have people wanting to say goodbye.

After the wake we took the girls downstairs to get some dinner before taking Londyn back to her dad’s and putting Paisley to bed, while we were waiting for the food to come out Londyn and I had a little chat, she wanted to know how the funeral had gone and if anyone had taken photos for her, I told her they had and she asked if she could see them. We only looked at a few before she asked me to stop and she had a little cry, we hugged for a few minutes and then we ate our dinner, she said she was glad she’d come to the wake and glad she didn’t come to the funeral and that she felt much better now that she’d had a cry.

We took Londyn back to her dad and put Paisley to bed. It wasn’t long before we went to bed ourselves, another seemingly impossible day faced and we’d survived, not long now and our girl would be home with the rest of us!