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Over the next few days we spent a lot of time talking about the fundraiser and on the 15th January we set up our just giving page for the event, we have decided on 5 charities, Musgrove park Rowan suite, Musgrove park chapel, Tommy’s, little daffodils and single yellow rose. These are all amazing charities who each do their bit for the baby loss community. Both of the Musgrove park charities have played a massive part in our journey so far and we can’t thank them enough, Tommy’s is a leading charity in not only supporting families but funding research in to the prevention of baby loss and although we’ve had no direct dealings with them we feel their work is crucial in the community and then finally the 2 home based charities little daffodils and single yellow rose, these charities we’re set up by bereaved families from the same town we live in, they have both helped us in our journey, as I said previously little daffodils supply hospitals with sibling memory boxes one of which we received for Londyn and single yellow rose reached out to us the day we posted about the baby’s birth. We decided we would aim for £10,000 to be split between the charities.

So the just giving page is up, it’s all real now, in June I should have been having a baby but now I’m having my head shaved in memory of our baby, Nathan is getting his chest, back and legs waxed and we’re going to have stalls for raffles, tombolas and suchlike.

We posted the link for the just giving page on Facebook and it quickly became talked about, we attached a photo of the baby to the link, this got a lot of negative reactions, our first taste of the cruelty we had to come, this is a very Taboo subject and the world was not happy with us sharing photos. It did get the attention of a local news page, Somerset live, who contacted us and asked if they could cover our story. Given the negative comments we’d received we felt we had to do this, our baby’s story needed to be shared and the world needs educating. He wrote up a piece and sent us the draft, once we had okayed it he sent it to edit to be published. Here is the finished article if you would like to take a look.

https://www.somersetlive.co.uk/news/somerset-news/family-shared-heartbreaking-image-stillborn-2443458

A lot happed in the week following Christmas, on the 27th we got a phonecall to say that Boris had gone to Bristol. I waited anxiously for his safe return so I could go back and see him.

On the 3rd of January we got the call, I booked to go and see him that day, this time we had to see him in the mortuary. The lady on the phone warned me that the baby looked much different than the last time I’d seen him. I knew this would be the case but I needed to see my baby!

We arrived and I got out of the car, Nathan didn’t come in with me. My beautiful baby, I sat and talked again. I told him we’d decided that we would choose a girl’s name and a boy’s name (we’d previously said that if he was a boy he’d be called Boris as this was his bump name) it didn’t feel right to leave him with his bump name, like we were ignoring his birth.

I read a few poems to him, checked over his perfect body to see they had done a good job, I was amazed – I almost couldn’t see where they’d cut him, they really did do the most amazing and respectful work!

I promised I would be back as soon as we had the gender results and apologised again if he was a girl and yet I’d been calling him a boy, I kissed his beautiful cheek and said goodbye. Every time I leave him it hurts a little bit more.

As we drove away from the hospital our baby let us know he was with us, playing on the radio Freya Ridings, Lost without you!

We sat in silence while the song was playing just holding hands but not saying a word. Then Nathan asked how he was, I told him I’d taken photos and he could see them if he wanted but they had done it very respectfully. They had placed 2 teddy’s with the baby, 1 for him and 1 for us. I’d left them both with him so ours would smell as much of him as possible all these little things made a difference.

This drive home was different, we actually talked. We talked about how much better things are than they were 10 years ago and how beautifully they had treated the baby and then we came to a decision, With how amazing the maternity ward and chapel had been we decided that in June to mark the due date we would hold a fundraiser, the main focus was to be head shaves and body waxing, we would call it Go Bald For Baby Loss. We hoped to raise money to donate to Musgrove park maternity unit and chapel and we would also select some local charities who would also receive donations in memory of our beautiful baby. We had one in mind, a charity called little daffodils who had provided Londyn with a sibling memory box.

Christmas day morning, the girls woke up at 07:30 full of excitement, they dragged their stockings into our room and opened them in bed, then they sat and ate chocolate coins in bed.We headed downstairs to see how good a job santa had done with the decorations, their eyes were flitting everywhere, they were so excited and piled straight into opening presents, in that moment, for just a moment, they joy in seeing them so happy made the pain ease but just for a moment.Nathan put the Christmas dinner on and I helped the girls with their gifts at 13:00 Nathan’s mum, dad and brother arrived we sat down and had lunch, everyone was laughing and chatting, like nothing had happened. Nathan offered me a glass of wine, I shouldn’t be able to have wine, I should still be pregnant, if only I hadn’t complained about being pregnant over Christmas and New year again, maybe things would have been different.After lunch Nathan’s mum gave out presents, the kids were loving the day and I really did enjoy seeing them happy but I couldn’t help feeling empty, we were so excited about this Christmas with me being pregnant and even more excited about next Christmas, our family would have grown and now it’s all gone but life goes on and that hurts!It turned out that I wasn’t alone in struggling with the day, I looked over at Londyn and she was just slumped looking sad, I asked her what was the matter and she burst into tears, “I want Boris back” she sobbed, “I know, me too” I replied. We sat and hugged crying in each others arms in the middle of the floor whilst everything carried on around us. She just kept sobbing, “it hurts, why can babies die, it should be illegal for babies to die”What could I do? My girl was in agony and all I could do was sit and hold her, I have never felt so lost and useless.15:00 came and the family went home and Londyn went to her dad’s, as soon as she left our house I phoned him to let him know she’d had a tough day, he said he’d keep an eye on her and I could call her later.We spent the rest of the evening watching movies, playing with Paisley and eating rubbish food. Paisley was knackered so she went to bed early, I called Londyn and she was much happier now. then we tidied up and went to bed ourselves.It had been a long and painful day but we’d got through it.
And now I was really scared, how would we cope now that we didn’t have a birthday and Christmas forcing us to hold it together, it was difficult but it had been a great distraction……

It’s ‘celebrities’ like this that make people think it’s OK to joke about pregnancy. When in fact they should be coming out and saying how wrong it is. Spread the word. This kind of ‘joke’ is not acceptable.

I’d gone up for a sleep, my friend Kath was coming to see us so I’d told Nathan to wake me when she got here. He didn’t, he said she arrived not long after I’d gone up so he just left me to sleep and had a coffee and chat with her.

I slept for a few hours before being woken up by Londyn climbing in to bed with me, “mummy” she said in a soft voice, “is your headache better now? It’s time for dinner!” I snuggled her in for a few minutes and we chatted about her birthday tomorrow and how excited she was then we went down stairs and sat at the table. Londyn chatted away, Paisley joined in and Nathan and I just sat there watching them, we are so blessed. Our girls are truly amazing and in all of this pain they are the only things that can still make me smile, even laugh! I love them so much!

I didn’t really eat my dinner, Londyn questioned it, she was watching my every move. She’s such a little mum but it’s not her job to worry about me so I told her I couldn’t eat so soon after waking up and I’d put it in the microwave and heat it up later.

We asked Londyn how she wanted to spend her last evening as a 7 year old, she said she wanted to play board games and so that’s what we did. We played monopoly, Scrabble, don’t wake dad and gas out. It was good and it was so nice to see her excited about her birthday again. After the games we sat and watched a short movie together and then it was that dreaded time again, time for the girls to go to bed.

With them safely tucked in we headed back down stairs to make the house tidy and ready for Londyn’s big day. We didn’t do too much as we’d already decided to decorate with banners and balloons etc on her birthday whilst she was at her dad’s but we moved the furniture around and set the food table and got her presents ready for when she woke up the in the morning.
And that was that, the day was over I’d slept most of it but was still completely knackered from pretending everything was ok with the girls.

That’s the thing when you’re trying to grieve and you’re a parent, you only have a small amount of time when the kids are in bed or at school to allow yourself to grieve but even then it’s difficult because the kids might not be with you but they still need clean clothes, food to eat and a clean and tidy house! And spending so much time pretending you’re ok for their sake is exhausting to the point that if you do get an opportunity to face your grief you are normally too knackered to do so. On the flip side of that I honestly don’t think I could live with this pain if I didn’t have those two amazing little people to live for, they are my world and my every reason why I need to stay safe, sane and as well as I can be, they are my strength. I could not do this without them.

I went home just a little bit more broken, as Anji reversed into my street I could have sworn I saw something, a man dressed in faded black rags but when I looked again he was gone I tried not to think anything of it and then Anji seemed to see something too, she jumped a little and said it looked like someone just ran behind the car, she said it must have been a cat but I was convinced it was death coming to get me. I didn’t say anything to Anji as I didn’t want to scare her but I made her promise to text me when she was back in her house and safe.

I went in and told Nathan about my visit with Boris (he wanted to hear about him, he just can’t face seeing him again) we went up to bed and started looking at girls names, we ruled out loads but neither of us wanted to say the ones we liked for fear that the other would just go along with it so we left it there and we were about to settle down to sleep when I got this sudden rush of cold all over my body “something’s wrong!” I told Nathan he asked what I meant “I don’t know but something is wrong, I’m going to die, I can feel it, please help me I don’t want to die, I don’t want to leave the girls!” I couldn’t breathe, my heart was pounding and I was freezing cold! I phoned the hospital again, the lady that had seen me earlier was there, she tried to talk me through it but I couldn’t shake the feeling so she said to go back in and they’d do some more tests. I phoned Anji and told her I needed to go back in and she came and got me.

We got to the hospital and back to that room we went, they made us a cuppa and done my observations. The midwife was so patient with me, her name was Sarah, she talked me through everything she was doing and what she was expecting to find if I was healthy and then showing me that everything was within the healthy range. A doctor came in and discussed blood clots with me, I was convinced this was what was happening to me. They gave me compression socks to stop blood clots and told me that they were giving them to me for my piece of mind and not because they felt I was in anyway at risk. We were there all night, they wanted me to see a psychiatrist but there wasn’t anyone in until Monday so they called the crisis team who had worked with me in the past. They decided the bast thing to do to get me through the weekend was to prescribe me diazepam and refer me to the mental health hospital for a review and I had to make an appointment with my GP to discuss further treatment. They gave me some diazepam and asked me to stay so they could see it was working and I was calm and then they wrote me a prescription and we left.

By this time it was Sunday 23rd December, I didn’t want Londyn knowing what was happening as she would panic and it was her birthday tomorrow, I didn’t want to ruin it for her so I called Nathan and asked him to tell her I’d gone out first thing to get some things for her birthday. We went to Asda to pick up my prescription and we got 3 helium birthday balloons whilst we were there. Londyn’s face lit up when she saw them “mummy, thank you, is that why you went out with Annie Anich this morning?” She asked (Londyn couldn’t say auntie Anji when she was small, so she called her Annie Anich and it stuck!) “Yes” I replied “you can’t have a birthday without balloons!” With that I told her I had a headache and was going to lay down for a while and could she look after Nathan for me. She laughed and said yes and I took myself off to bed where I finally got some sleep.

The next two days merge into one, Friday the 21st is a lost day, I hardly remember it happened, I think this is the day we looked for poems for the funeral but that might have been the evening before.

Saturday 22nd, we need to go to Taunton to sort out the last few things for Londyn’s birthday and Christmas, I hated being there, knowing Boris was there but not with me we done the things we had to do and we were getting back in the car to go home, I couldn’t do it, I had to see my baby, the hospital said I could go back whenever I wanted to so I phoned the hospital. I wasn’t even sure if he was still there he might have gone to Bristol for the operation already. The midwife on the phone said they would try to find out where the baby was and they’d let me know. So we done a bit more shopping while we were waiting, just passing time but I couldn’t wait, I called them back and told them I wanted to see the baby, and I needed them to check me over as well as I wasn’t feeling well and I was passing large clots. She asked if I could get in for 19:00, this was at 15:30, I couldn’t stay there till 19:00 and I don’t drive, Nathan couldn’t bring me back in as he’d be putting Paisley to bed so I phoned my sister Anji and she said she’d take me back in.

We finished our shopping and headed over to Anjis, we couldn’t face going home and her house is on the way home so it made sense to stop in at hers rather than making her come to get me and then travel back on herself.

18:30 Anji and I set off for the hospital, when we got there they took us to the room with the sofa in it. I told Anji she couldn’t see the baby and she’d have to wait outside when they bought him in. She didn’t mind but I did feel a bit bad. A midwife came and done my observations, everything was fine, they checked for infection and blood clots, everything looked to be ok but I was still concerned.

They took Anji out off the room and bought Boris in…………. My beautiful baby, he’s changed, I can see him deteriorating already and he’s all twisted up, they’re not being gentle enough, I straightened him up and made him more comfortable, he’s still perfect to me. I sat and read poems to him and played his song to him (Freya Ridings, lost without you) I cried so loud, I could feel Anji holding herself back, I tried to control my crying, I knew every part of her wanted to hold me and she couldn’t. The song finished and I composed myself. “That’s how we feel, we’re so lost without you.” “We miss you so much and I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep you safe.” “Your dad and I are going to choose you a special name, something beautiful and with meaning.” “We just need to find out if you’re a girl or a boy and then I’ll come back and tell you what we’ve chosen.” “I’m sorry if you’re a girl and I keep calling you a boy” “I’ll be back to see you once you’ve had your operation, I promise!” “I love you all the 8s, my perfect sleeping beauty”
The midwife came back in to put him back to bed but I was still talking to him so she left and told me to buzz when I was ready. I didn’t like this midwife, she wasn’t careful enough with him, by the time I buzzed she’d left and a nicer midwife had taken over, she very gently made sure I was ready and then carried him off and put him back to bed for me. I thought it would be easier this time, I was wrong watching them take him again hurt even more than before. I wanted them to call me when he left to go to Bristol, the thought of not knowing where my baby was was horrible, she put a note with him to call me before he left.

Anji came back in and they made us a cuppa whilst we waited for some test results. I showed Anji some photos of the baby whilst we waited, I didn’t mind her seeing photos, we just didn’t want anyone else seeing him in the flash, he is too precious and we wanted to keep him just for us.
The results came back with a possible infection so they sent me off with some antibiotics and assured me I didn’t have blood clots.

Again I left the hospital without my baby, this too hurt more than ever, how could I keep doing it? I’d promised Boris I’d be back and going back I looked forward to but every time I go back, I have to leave again and that hurts more than words can describe……………..

This night will be continued………

So this week just gone has been a difficult one.
Physically and emotionally.
So the week starts with me getting a blister between my toes. Typically nothing would come of this, the blister would heal up and I wouldn’t think anything more of it. But this time something did come from it.

I got home from work on Monday evening and asked Emileen to look at it for me. It looked red and was hot to the touch so she sent me off to the minor injuries unit. I was sure it was fine but she was insistent. I’ve learnt not to argue with her too hard, she always wins in the end anyway.

I sit down in the waiting room next to a man who has blood dripping from his hand. I think again ‘do I really need to be here, it can’t be that bad’. I’ve been sitting there for no more than 2 minutes and then I hear it.

The first message from Nayely, my baby girl is letting me know she is watching over me.
Freya Ridings Lost without You is playing on the radio. If you don’t know this was one of the songs we chose for Nayelys funeral.
I message Emileen straight away to tell her that Nayelys song is on in the waiting room. Her response was ‘at least one of the girls is with you’.
I sat there choking back tears as I thought ‘I wish she wasn’t with me, I wish she was still tucked up all nice and warm, growing well in her mummy’s tummy’
After an hour or so a nurse comes out. I get taken into a side room, all the normal observations are done. Temperature is a little up but nothing too bad. The nurse lances my blister and shows me the contents. It’s not nice. A horrible greenish colour. She dresses the wound and then sends me off home with a large dose of antibiotics and tells me to come back if I’m concerned.

The concern I’m feeling is nothing compared to the concern and anxiety Emileen is feeling. She told me off for not taking it more seriously.
Then it’s off to bed, alarm is set for a 02:00 wake up to take more tablets.

Tuesday and it’s back to work again. Foot is absolute agony all day. I check in with Emileen when I have to take my antibiotics in an attempt to reduce her anxiety levels. I get the first aider to check my foot because it’s really hot to touch. He doesn’t seem concerned because there is no tracking.

After work Emileen has another at my foot. She looks alot more concerned than she did the night before. Emileen made me phone 111 to get some advice. Their advice was pure and simple – go back to MIU.
So I find myself there again. Same waiting room, same receptionist booking me in, Freya Ridings on the radio again as I sat down. Nayely knew I was going to be there so she was letting me know she was watching over me.
This time the waiting room is empty. I can’t hold the tears in this time. The song finishes and I compose myself just as I am called into the side room. Different nurse, same advice. Keep your foot up, rest as much as possible, keep taking the antibiotics.
I go back home and Emileen tells me I’m not going to work tomorrow. I argue briefly, fully aware of the ultimate outcome.
Wednesday morning and I phone into work. They don’t sound happy about it but there is nothing I can do. I need to rest, my health is more important to my family than my work is.
There is more to this story but that’s enough for now.