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Wednesday December 19th, 10 years to the day that I started bleeding with my ectopic and now the day I gave birth to a sleeping beauty!

I got up, I took my last ever bump photos, did my last ever school run pregnant with Boris, everything about today was a last.

It was hard taking Londyn to school, she done her absolute last ever kissing Boris good bye. I spoke to her teacher and asked them to keep an extra eye on her, I told them I was going in to have the baby today and her dad would be picking her up but I still wanted them to contact me if there was any problems.

We headed to Nathan’s mum’s house, this would be the first night I’ve ever spent away from Paisley! We gave mum the nappy changing bag for Paisley and set upon our way.

It was a quiet drive over, we got to the hospital and I got the bag out of the car. Nathan tried to take it from me, I snapped at him “I can do it, it’s not like it’ll hurt the baby!” I didn’t mean to snap it just hurt so much. As we walked towards the antenatal clinic and labour ward we were confronted by a woman 9 months pregnant with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, I felt the rage building “I quit smoking because I am pregnant and my baby died but she gets to keep hers!” My voice got louder as we got closer. Nathan tried to comfort me, I shrugged him off. We were told when we got there we should walk up the slope and ring the bell so that’s what I tried to do, the lady at the desk spoke to us as we went passed, I didn’t stop. Nathan called to me “we’ve got to go this way” he said. Again I snarled at him “why? We’ve got to go the back way so we don’t upset all the healthy pregnant women, take the shame through the servant quarters!” He again tried to comfort me, with tears in my eyes I snapped again “get off me, don’t touch me.”

We were sent into the first room we had seen on Monday, a midwife came in and introduced herself I can’t remember her name, she said she would be looking after us for the day. She asked if we wanted a minute alone, we said yes so she went off to get everything she needed for us, our paperwork and suchlike.

She came back a few minutes later and asked how we were feeling, I don’t think I made eye contact with her once, I tried to ignore her completely letting Nathan do most of the talking. She explained that because I have had 2 previous C-sections they had to adjust the way they do things to minimise the risk of rupturing. Ordinarily you would have one whole tablet every 4 hours to bring on labour but they would have to do it much slower for me and so it would probably be a few days before I gave birth as I would take a quarter of a tablet every 6 hours over 24 hours and then I would take a 12 hour break before starting the process again! My heart dropped, as if this wasn’t going to be difficult enough they’re now telling me it could take days, I’ve been induced before, it didn’t work, this wasn’t going to work!
Then she asked me to do a urine sample and asked if we wanted anything to eat or drink, we had a cuppa bit didn’t want any food. I did the sample while she was getting the drinks.

A few moments later she returned, “what have you eaten today?” She asked “nothing, I’m not hungry” I replied. “We really need you to eat, there’s keytones in your wee and protein” I shrugged, I didn’t care what was in my wee, I didn’t want to eat. “Please Emileen, if not for yourself then do it for the baby” boom! I made eye contact “the baby is dead! Eating won’t bring it back. Don’t you dare tell me to do it for the baby!” She apologised “I know but what your body is about to go through is the equivalent of running a marathon and you just won’t be able to do it you don’t look after yourself, the levels of keytones in your wee means you’re already struggling just to be awake never mind giving birth.”
I still didn’t eat, you wouldn’t know it to look at me now but I’ve been living with anorexia since I was 16, I mostly have it under control but it’s guilt led anorexia, so I don’t starve myself because I think I’m fat (although I definitely am at the moment) I starve myself because I don’t feel deserving of food, I feel guilty for eating and I have never felt stronger guilt than I do now for not being able to keep my baby safe, for not being able to protect my family from this pain. I explained all of this to her and we agreed that I would have sweet tea with milk to get some calories in me and as soon as I felt I could I’d eat.

Nathan pulled a key out of his pocket. The house key, we were supposed to leave it with mum. He text her to come and collect it, she said she’d be over after Paisley had had her lunch. We received various messages that day, all sending love and letting us know they were thinking of us. We didn’t reply to any.

The midwife came back again, she asked if I was ready for my first quarter, I didn’t answer, I didn’t want to say yes, I just wanted her to bring it to me – like it was her decision not mine. She explained that they can give the tablet 2 ways orally or vaginally, she said that it sometimes works faster vaginally but she thought it was best to take the first one orally to ease my body into it and then after six hours try vaginally to give it a boost. I later found out this was a bit of a lie, they always prefer it to be given vaginally but she had been assessing my mental health and had decided it would be better for me to start orally. I don’t mind those kinds of lies, the ones to protect or help someone. It annoys me that I can’t remember her name, she was so lovely.
She asked if I had any questions, I only had one. “Do you only get to deliver the dead babies or do they let you deliver living ones too?” I’d asked this because I thought it must take a special kind of person to deliver dead babies and be as kind as she is. “No I get to deliver all babies but today I’m delivering yours” she said with a kind smile.

She returned a bit later with the tablet, I took it much quicker than I had taken the one on Monday. She said she would hang around for a bit to make sure we were ok and then she was going for her lunch at one but to call if we needed anything. This was at 12:50. At 13:00 she went for her lunch and by 13:10 I started having contractions, we didn’t call as they weren’t very strong. At 13:20 mum turned up to get the key, we both went out to see her and Paisley, we told her what they had said about it possibly being days and would she be ok with Paisley for that long, of course she said yes and we knew she would be but we didn’t like to assume. She told us all the things Paisley had been up to and all the food she had eaten. Paisley woke up whilst we were there (she’d been napping in the car) we had a cuddle and a kiss and then I told Nathan I needed to go back in, the contractions were getting stronger.
We went back in and buzzed for the midwife, a different one came as our midwife was still at lunch. We told her the contractions were getting stronger and she offered me pain relief, I didn’t want pain relief, I wanted to experience as much as I could, this was the last thing I got to do for my baby in pregnancy and I didn’t want it dulled by medicine.

December 19th, to be continued……..
This day is too difficult to do in one piece, I hope you understand.

Tuesday December 18th, the last full day of my pregnancy. We took Londyn to school and she kissed the baby goodbye, I flinched this time – knowing it was going to be one of the last times, so hard.

This day is a massive blur for us, we don’t have much detail. I know we went to the phoenix hotel for food, Sarah (the baby’s godmother), her husband Steve and Graham own it, Steve made an effort to ask how we were which was nice but made it all too real, he normally just kinda grunts at me as he goes by. He’s a lovely bloke and always tries to help anyone (he’s helped me out many times) but if you don’t need him to be there then he’s not, I don’t know where he is but he’s not here, so when he stopped and asked how I was I knew it wasn’t just politeness, he really meant it and that means I need support and that means something big is going to happen. Of course I already knew this but something’s just make it more obvious.

We went to Tesco to buy the things we needed (sanitary products and post birth pads). Oh I forgot to mention that yesterday we had a meeting with my boss to tell them what was happening and that I wouldn’t be mentally fit for work for the foreseeable. They offered me dismissal on health grounds. They didn’t have to do this, I would have had to leave anyway so I’m very grateful that they did. My manager Tracey asked what she should tell my colleagues as they were asking after us, I told her she could tell them what was happening, I prefer her to do it than having to do it myself. She told them, I walked in store today and was immediately hugged by a lady who’s son I went to school with, he had died at a young age, “I’m not going to say anything, I know how it feels to lose a child, I just want you to know I’m here!” She said. It meant a lot to me, her boy was 7 when he died and she was acknowledging our unborn baby in the same way! All these little acknowledgements, they mean so much!

We continued our shopping, then we bumped into a friend I’d worked with in the pub, I tried to avoid eye contact, not because I don’t like her but because I knew she would speak and she did. “Congratulations!” She said. I shook my head, “the baby passed away, we’re going in to give birth tomorrow” I said, as if it was nothing. I didn’t know how else to say it without breaking down into tears in the middle of Tesco’s. “Oh no, I’m so sorry, me and my big mouth!” She said, I instantly felt awful “it’s ok it’s not your fault, we haven’t told everyone yet” she apologises again but this time for our loss, I thanked her and went on shopping. I still don’t know how to react when people say they are sorry, you automatically say thank you or it’s ok, but it’s not ok and what are we supposed to be grateful about? This becomes a bigger issue for me in the days to come.

After the shopping we went for a drive until it was time to pick Londyn up from school, we picked her up and went home. Had dinner, done homework and baths all the usual stuff, Londyn asked if she could have one last bath with Boris, so we did. And whilst we were in the bath we had a chat about what was going to happen the next day, I asked her if she’d thought anymore about it and she said no, I don’t need to, I want to meet they baby and hold it if I can! I asked if maybe she would like to see what a baby at this gestation looks like so she can prepare herself and she said yes, so onto the Googley I went, I found the story of a little boy named Nathan, he was the same gestational age when he was born so I showed Londyn the photos, “ok” she said “I can handle that, the bay just looks really tiny but still beautiful” after her bath we snuggled and then the girls went off to bed.

After they went to bed I done something I’d been putting off, I messaged my oldest friend. I’ve known Dawn since we were 4. I messaged her, hey Hun, I’ve got something to tell you but I don’t know how…..
She came round to see us, I’m not sure how far through the door she got when I told her, I think she was sat next to me but I don’t remember clearly, I know Nathan made us drinks and she hugged me and asked questions and offered any help we might need. I know we managed to have ‘normal’ conversation after we’d spoke about the baby I don’t think she stayed long.

Nathan and I went up to bed, but not to sleep, to wrap Londyn’s birthday presents and all the Christmas presents. We knew if we didn’t do them now then they wouldn’t get done and the girls needed this holiday more than ever this year……

It’s Monday, we took Londyn to school and went straight from there to hospital. We arrived early so we waited. They eventually came and got us and took us into a side room with sofa chairs and a picture of butterflies on the wall. A lady came to speak to us, I think she spoke to us on the day they told us but I can’t be sure. I don’t really remember what was said, I asked if I could have another scan they said yes we were just waiting for a room. Then Roberta came and got us, we were shuffled to the nearest room (I don’t know if that was to protect us or to protect the other women with healthy pregnancies) it was the same woman who scanned us on that day, I didn’t want it to be her, not because I don’t trust her – just because it hurt to see her again! She laid me on the bed and started the scan, she talked me through everything, she showed me that the baby’s heart wasn’t beating and then she put the coloured Doppler on the heart, this will show any signs of blood flow, there was nothing! My heart sank again, if they could have just been wrong, I wouldn’t have minded, I wouldn’t have taken any legal action, but no, they were right, our baby was dead. I asked if we could have some more scan pictures, the last one the babies head was crooked to one side I just wanted a normal picture, you know the classic scan picture, side profile. She did her best but the baby was laying funny and it’s not like we could make it move, she also got some face on pictures for me so we could she the beautiful little face. They shuffled us back into the other room.

A doctor came and spoke to us, he explained the procedure and the risks involved with inducing me when I’ve already had 2 C-sections, the risk were minimal but he had to explain them. He told me that I would take a tablet today and that would soften my cervix ready to complete the miscarriage….. I glares at him, “can we refer to it as giving birth please?” I grunted, “of course, I’m sorry” he replied. I couldn’t believe my ears, they’re not allowed to refer to it as giving birth as I’m not more than 24 weeks, what a wonderful man! He will never know how much this meant to me, such a small gesture but the first acknowledgement that we had lost our child, a real person who mattered to more than just us, my previous two losses were called “just a miscarriage, not real babies, just a fetus” our non viable pregnancy was being acknowledged as a person by medical professionals! I cried when he repeated his sentence. “The tablet will soften the cervix ready for delivery” once you have given birth we may still need to operate, when a baby is born this early it can be difficult to get the placenta to detach and so we may need to perform a DNC” I signed the consent form.

They gave me the tablet and some water, the lady explained that the tablet may cause stomach cramps and sickness, I may actually vomit and not to worry it was normal, she told me that she had taken it and it wasn’t nice at all, I don’t think I really registered that she’d taken it meaning that she has suffered loss too!

I broke, I couldn’t do it, I kept trying to put the tablet in my mouth but I couldn’t even get it to my lips, “I don’t want to” I sobbed “I want to keep the baby, why can’t I just keep it, it might come back alive, is there nothing you can do? Why can’t you restart the heart?”
“I’m sorry” she said “I wish we could but there’s nothing we can to save your baby, it’s already gone, that tablet won’t hurt the baby, we need you to take it to make sure you don’t get n infection”
“I don’t care about me, I want my baby!”
Eventually I took the tablet, it took me back to when I had the ectopic, only I could sign for the injection to be given, an injection I didn’t want but had no choice yet they still needed my consent to kill my baby! And here I was again, the one who had to preform the act to induce labour at 16+3 far too early, the only difference was this baby was already dead.

After this we met the Chaplin, a lovely lady called Julia, she talked us through what they could do for us, she asked about our other children and we told her how Londyn is struggling, she asked if Londyn would meet the baby. I didn’t even know that would be an option. We decided we would let Londyn make that decision. She said she would bless the baby and do a naming ceremony if we wanted and she could do this as soon as baby is born or she can wait until Londyn is with us if she chooses to meet the baby. She told us that we could either have the baby buried in the remembrance garden of we could have a private cremation and funeral service at the hospital or if we choose to we could take the baby home and organise our own funeral plans, we chose to do it through the hospital, and asked how much it would cost, “nothing” she said “children and babies funerals are of no charge!” Another acknowledgement that our baby was a baby not just a fetus! She told us not to rush a decision on the spot we could decide later what we wanted to do. We definitely wanted a blessing and if Londyn wanted to meet the baby then we definitely wanted it to include her, sort of like a christening so Londyn would maybe get some closure and know that the baby was with God, I don’t believe but Londyn does and so does Nathan.

After this they took us to see Rowan suite. The first room had a sofa bed, a fridge, kettle and some display cabinets with draws in it, it also had a bathroom, this was where we would spend most of our time and where we would sleep so we could spend the night with the baby. Another thing I didn’t think we would get to do. There were butterflies everywhere and the cabinet was full of things for us to make memories with the baby keyrings, teddies, blankets, clothes, hand and foot casts so much stuff, they told us we could go through it all and take whatever we wanted.

The next room was the delivery suite, again butterflies everywhere. I like to think that they resemble lost babies, as the caterpillar grows wings to become a butterfly our baby grew wings to become an angel. They told us to make our way down on Wednesday straight from school and to try and rest and get in touch if I have any bleeding.

Another long drive home, the first song on the radio Freya Ridings, lost without you. We decided we couldn’t face going home yet so we went and saw Anji my sister. I don’t really remember what we talked about.

That evening we sat down with Londyn to explain what was happening, we asked her if she would like to meet the baby, her face beamed “yes please” she cried. I asked her to think about it and explained that it wouldn’t look like her sister did when she was born, it wouldn’t even be fully formed, “I know” she said “but I still want to see him, I’m going to meet you Boris” she leaned in and started talking to my bump. I told her to think about it and she could change her mind at any point and as many times as she wants. Now that she said she wanted to meet the baby I suddenly didn’t want her to, I was scared that the trauma would be too much for her, what if I was doing the wrong thing letting her lead her grief? Was she too young to make these decisions? I phoned her dad to let him know what would be happening and that she wanted to meet the baby, he to was worried how she would cope but agreed it was her decision and if that’s what she chose then he would bring her to meet the baby.

We went to bed that night and started looking for poems to read at the funeral, we didn’t decide on any but we found a few maybes. We also decided that we needed to choose a name for if it was a girl, if it was a boy we were going to call him Boris.

These are the last scan pictures I ever had of this pregnancy. It is 3 months today since those words “I’m sorry it’s bad news today, there’s no heartbeat”

Sunday 16th December, it was Londyn’s rugby Christmas party, I was dreading it we had avoided people we know really well and now we were going to be faced with loads of them! Londyn had been looking forward to this week so much, she had so much on and it was all in the lead up to her birthday, she had been more excited about her birthday this year than any other year… Not anymore.

I don’t remember the whole day, pretty much just the bit at the rugby club, we went in and stood at the bar. I made a conscious effort to not make eye contact with anyone. My old manager and now friend was working the bar so I stood slightly away and with my back to the bar, then I heard the words I’d been dreading, “I hear congratulations are in order” my insides flipped, I needed to shut her up before Londyn heard her. I quickly turned, she was smiling so kindly and genuinely pleased for us, I shook my head and my eyes pooled with tears, I lent in “the baby died” I said, “we’re going in to give birth on Wednesday” I could see in her eyes she wanted the floor to open up and swallow her. “I’m so sorry” she said, “how far on are you?” I told her I will be 16+3 when I give birth. She lent across the bar and hugged me and then I went about ordering our drinks as if nothing had happened, Londyn didn’t hear a thing. Another friend came up to me, she was having man trouble so she was telling me all about it, a part of me wanted to scream at her, I don’t care my baby is dead! But the other part of me was glad to feel normal, like the baby was still alive! The girls really enjoyed it, Paisley is such a confidante little girl, she brings Londyn out of her shell I love watching them together, my beautiful girls! They met Santa and he gave them a chocolate selection box each, Paisley was terrified (not so confident now!) But she enjoyed the chocolate so that’s ok!

After the rugby club we went to see Nathan’s dad, he doesn’t know about the baby, he has dementia so mum had to pick the right time to tell him. I explained to Londyn that granddad didn’t know and nanny was going to tell him next week so not to talk about the baby at granddad’s and if granddad talks about it she’s not to worry, we will deal with it. She was fine with that. He didn’t actually mention the baby until we were saying goodbye, he told me to look after myself and the baby and to make sure Nathan looks after us too. I think we went to the stonemasons for dinner after but I can’t really remember.

Once again we got the kids bathed and into bed, I bathed with them, the last time I would bath with all 3 of them! They went to bed and we sat in silence until we fell asleep ourselves with the telly on. I didn’t want to go to sleep, tomorrow was Monday and that’s the day we start the treatment to induce labour. I don’t want to give birth, it’s to soon………..

Just a little bit that should have been in part 11, so after we’d seen dad we went and saw my Auntie, I’d only told her at 11 weeks that we were pregnant and 4 weeks later I’m telling her the baby has died. This lady is very important to me she has always loved and supported us and she has never judged us, I didn’t want to tell her, I didn’t want to upset her but I couldn’t have her hear it from someone else. She was as she always is, loving and supportive – desperately trying to find the right thing to say. Her family are religious so she said she would pray for us all, I don’t believe but somehow I still took comfort from this.

I don’t know how this wasn’t in part 11, I hadn’t forgotten it but I felt like it must have happened the next day 🤷 anyway on to part 12.

It’s Saturday the 15th December, Londyn’s birthday party so I needed to pull my finger out and slap a smile on it for her sake! We’re taking her and 3 friends to flip out (a massive trampoline park) Nathan decorated the car with pink birthday banners, she will love it! I’d not done much, I was really struggling I didn’t know how I would get through the day. Nathan took me for a drive, we couldn’t cope with being at home, we came home just as the first guest arrived and Londyn of course, the first thing Londyn asked me in her lowest voice “are you still pregnant, is the baby still in there?” I explained that I was and that we could talk about it tomorrow if she’d prefer, so as not to ruin her day. She said she would prefer that but could she talk to her friend about it and could she give Boris a quick kiss? Of course I said yes to both. And with that she kissed my bump and ran off upstairs to play with her friend. They didn’t know but the baby monitor was on so I listened in to see what she said about the baby, she didn’t say a thing I hope that’s because she didn’t feel the need to!

Off we set to pick up another guest, her absolute best friend ever! And we met the third friend at the venue. They bounced for two hours and for a small time she was able to forget the nightmare we were living! After that we took them all to McDonalds for dinner. They seemed to be having a great time and it was so nice to see her smile! On the way home I discussed with Nathan about having one of her friends around on her actual birthday (we always do a home party on the day for family but never normally have friends) her birthday is on Christmas Eve and I knew people would want to talk about what was happening, I didn’t want Londyn to have to listen to it all on her birthday and the day before Christmas, I didn’t want it ruined for her. Nathan agreed so we asked her bff’s mum and thankfully she said yes! She had no clue at this point what was happening.

So that was that, Londyn had had a great birthday party and we’d managed to hold it together, tomorrow is her rugby club Christmas party – another day of trying to hold it together! This is exhausting!!

The kids went to bed and our darkness crept in, this was the time when we had to face what was happening and start making plans for our babies funeral??? That is so wrong, no parents should have to do this.

That night we searched for songs, we wanted a song for the baby, after hours of searching we found Freya Ridings, lost without you. It starts with the lyrics “standing on the platform watching you go” I had in my mind a platform at a train station, trains take you on a journey, we were on a journey (a journey I didn’t want to be on but was anyway) and all I could do was watching as my baby went! More lyrics “hits me at full speed, feel like I can’t breathe and nobody knows, this pain inside me my world is crumbling” that is exactly what it’s like, it hurts so bad I can’t breathe! And more lyrics “I think I’m lost without you, I just feel crushed without you” we are lost, we don’t know how to be without our baby and yet we need to be for our other babies! This song just felt so right it became “the song” it made us cry just enough to get to sleep (with the telly on of course)

Well here goes, time to do the rounds again, only this time we’ll be telling everyone our baby has died. The more we said it the more real it was. We started with taking Londyn to school, she forgot herself for a minute and kissed my bump. Then the reality hit her, “I know you’re dead but I still love you!” She said and then she cried. I asked her if she wanted to stay home but she said no. She asked if she was still allowed to kiss Boris to say goodbye in the mornings (she has kissed the bump every day since we told her we were pregnant) I told her it was fime and she could kiss and hug the bump as much as she wants. She asked if the baby could still hear her? I said that I believe it could and although the baby has died I believe it was staying close to us and could see and hear how much we love it. We had a hug and then the bell rang, she kissed Boris and went on in. I waited to speak to her teacher, I told them what had happened and they promised they would keep an eye on her for me and they’d call me if she needed to come home.

Next we needed to tell Sarah, she is the baby’s godmother. Her son goes to the same school so we headed of towards his class room, on our way round we saw Charlie, she could see id not slept and asked if we were ok, I really wanted to say it without crying but before I’d even said the first word the tears were streaming, they baby has died I said, we lost Boris. With that Charlie grabbed me and we both cried, I’m so sorry she said, those words again! Still nothing changed but I know she meant it. I told her I would be going back in soon to give birth and she offered to help with the school runs or anything else we needed!

Sarah wasn’t there, she’d left already for work so we headed there to see her. I called her to make sure she was at work and check it was ok to go and see her, this was about 9am and her pub didn’t open until 10 so we had an hour to talk to her. She was in the alleyway when we got there and could send it was more than just a social call. We told her and more tears from us all. One again the words I’m so sorry! She also offered to help with anything we needed. We sat with her for and hour and went through what would happen next and then it was time to go and see my sisters.

They came to mine for a cuppa, Kimberley got there first, Anji was as always running late. I wanted to tell them together so we just carried on like normal until Anji arrived, she had bought with her some clothes her friend had given for the baby, I ignored that she was carrying it. I sat them straight down and told them that I couldn’t make our arrangements next week because Boris had died, they were both shocked, Kimberley went very quiet and Anji hugged me and cried, they were both shaking. I don’t really remember much more, I told them what happens next and the rest is a blur.

On to the next person, my dad. I called him to find out where he was working and we headed out to see him. This was difficult because we’ve had a fractured relationship and only in the last 18 months started talking again. I knew he’d be panicking about me calling him but I couldn’t tell him over the phone. We pulled up I got out of the car and told him, he hugged me tight and of course those famous words I’m so sorry! He was shaking, he said he wished he could take my pain. Whilst I was talking to him about what happens next I got a phonecall, it was the hospital, they wanted to book me in. I asked them if I’d be allowed another scan before I took anything, they said I didn’t need it as it had been confirmed with a second opinion, I told them I wouldn’t do it without a scan and someone talking me through it. I already had my back up because of what happened at the other hospital with the ectopic, they said it was fine and they’d make sure they arranged that for me. They booked us to speak with the Chaplin whilst we were there and told us where we needed to be and where, it’s all too real now. I got off the phone and told dad and Nathan what had been said, I needed to go in on Monday 17th to take a pill and speak to the Chaplin and then I had to go back on Wednesday 19th to deliver the baby. The 19th December, exactly 10 years to the day that I started bleeding with the ectopic! How much crueller could this get! Dad offered to be with us when we gave birth, or when ever we needed him really, he asked if we would have a service, I didn’t know, I’d never been allowed to acknowledge my other two when I lost them, they were referred to as “just a fetus” I didn’t know what they did now, of course if we were allowed any kind of service we were going to have it, anything to acknowledge our baby’s existence. We told dad we’d let him know.

Nothing really happened after that, we just drove around for a while and then went home. We were managing in the daytime but once Paisley went to bed, that’s when we really struggled. We decided that for now we would sleep with the telly on. We still do this now!

The long drive home suddenly didn’t seem long enough, we were back and now I had to figure out how to tell Londyn what has happened. She was at her dad’s house so I called him, I asked him if we could have Londyn after her choir performance and I told him what had happened of course he said I could whilst apologiseing profusely in disbelief that this had happened to me again (he’s the ectopics dad). So we went to the church and found seats, we could see Londyn but we’re hidden away enough that she couldn’t see every time we broke down in tears. She sang her little heart out, I was as I always am so proud of her. The songs seemed to go on forever and yet it was over too soon. We met Londyn outside with her dad and asked if she would come back to ours for a minute (her dad only lives two doors down so it’s no hardship) she said no that she wanted to go back with daddy, so I done one of the things I hate the most, I lied to her and told her I needed to treat a wart that she had on her foot.

All the way home we held it together, talking as normal as possible and then we pulled up outside the house, I suddenly felt like someone was sitting on my chest, I’d just listened to my girl singing her heart out and now I was going to break it.

We came in and I sat her on the sofa and I said……..”so today we had to have an appointment for Boris and whilst we were there they said we could listen to his heartbeat and have a scan, but when they scanned me they saw that Boris had died, I’m so sorry” I started crying about 5 words in and as I said the words Boris had died, she screamed the most painful scream I have ever heard, “no Boris, why?” “Why mummy why is he dead, how does this happen” I’ll never forget that sound, I grabbed her so tight, I’m so sorry I sobbed, I’m so sorry! She sat up and started holding my bump and kissing it, I love you Boris I love you she said over and over.

That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. She was days from turning 8 and I just destroyed her world, the pain in her screech – like nothing you can imagine.

Next we had to tell Nathan’s mum, we called her and asked her to come over, she did straight away, she knew something was wrong but I don’t think she was expecting this. Nathan started to say the words, “the baby’s gone, it died!” But the tears took over so I told her, we all hugged and cried she kept saying how sorry she was, they said that at the hospital and Gary said it and now mum but it hasn’t changed anything, our baby is still dead. I know why people say it and I know that they really do mean it, I didn’t think I would ever feel negatively towards people for saying it but it’s already starting to niggle me and it only got worse as time went on.

That night we just laid awake crying but not talking, going round and round what had happened why was our baby dead???

Tomorrow we have to tell people, they want me back in soon so we have to tell people, I can’t face telling them after I’ve had the baby, I need to still be pregnant. So I started with telling the school so they could keep an eye on Londyn, she was adamant she was going school and we’d already said we would let her lead her grief.

My bump photos after they had told us, we needed to make as many visual memories as possible, soon it would be all we had left!

Thursday 13th December, Nathan had gone to work, he’ll be home after lunch to take me to my appointment. I met the girls for breakfast after I dropped Londyn at school. It was nice but I was panicking that I’d lose track of time so I kept clock watching, we spoke about the appointment and I’d told them I was going to use it as a way to get an early listen to the heartbeat (this was not true but I didn’t want people to know how scared I was so I played it down) we ate, we laughed, we chatted – I was blissfully unaware that this was the last time I’d meet them feeling happy.

Finally Nathan came to get me and we headed off for our appointment, I was worrying about the time, Londyn had her school choir performance at 7 and we had stuff to do in Taunton, luckily we got there in time to do it before our appointment. I ate again so that if there was anything wrong they couldn’t operate and remove the baby, it’s something I’ve done before every pregnancy related appointment since I had the ectopic.

You see when they scanned me and saw the baby was ectopic they rushed to me to take me to theatre, they would have removed my baby, my tube and because of the way the baby was positioned my ovary! But I had eaten so they couldn’t do the surgery straight away which gave me time to ask questions and make sure they hadn’t made a mistake and it meant they had to discuss other options to remove the pregnancy (options that meant I got to keep everything except my baby, options I wouldn’t have even known about otherwise) I sit here writing this and suddenly it sounds stupid, I’ve always done this to protect my babies but I’d never thought about if they had to operate to save my baby!

We arrived at the hospital and sat in the waiting room, nervous and unsettled but joking with eachother and doing that thing where you make up back stories for all the other people around you.

They finally called us in, we sat and discussed the options to maintain good mental health, talked about at what stage we would do my birthing plan and what help was available to help maintain my mental health. She asked how I thought it was going and if I’d felt any movement yet, so I told her I thought that I had felt fluttering a while back but to be honest I didn’t feel right, I didn’t quite feel pregnant anymore. With that they offered for us to have an early listen to put my mind at rest, I went into a side room and lay on the bed, she started searching for the heartbeat, we heard something but it quickly stopped then we heard a thudd like the baby had kicked against the Doppler, she couldn’t pin the baby down so she said I could have a scan because although she thought she’d heard something she wanted to be sure and set my mind at rest.

We went into another room, Nathan had Paisley in his arms, they said it was fine she could stay. Paisley started to winge so we tried to distract her. “Look” we said, “look at the telly, Boris is on the telly” and then she said it……………….

……I’m sorry, it’s bad news today, there’s no heartbeat…………(those words will ring in my head forever!) I smiled at her, I couldn’t believe what I had heard and then it felt like all the blood had drained from my body, I was freezing cold my heart was pounding and I couldn’t breathe,………”can you check again?” I eventually asked tears streaming. She called another lady in for a second opinion, Nathan took Paisley out and the mental health consultant looked after her, he came back in and we dissolved into tears……….

What was we going to tell Londyn, how could this have happened? Why? What did I do wrong? What didn’t I do right? What were we going to tell Londyn? How would we tell her? How would we cope?

We went back into the first room and they talked us through what would happen next but to be honest with you, I can’t remember any of it it was a long drive home.

The scan photo is the one from that day.

So today was my first day back at work following Nayelys birth.
It was always going to be a tough day, leaving Emileen, Londyn and Paisley this morning knowing that I wouldn’t see any of them again until 5pm. I know that probably sounds a little bit silly but these 3 amazing people have kept me strong for the most part since we lost Nayely.
As I approach work I get a sudden tightening in my chest, nothing to cause massive concern but enough to let me know it is there. Anxiety.
This means that today is going to be hard. Very hard.

As I pull into the car park a couple of familiar faces watch me drive in, then they turn away. This will become a repetitive occurrence as the morning goes on.

I’ve made it through the door and the first people I see are 1 bloke who’s girlfriend gave birth during the Christmas break and one who’s wife is due to give birth in May. Neither of these two seem overly keen to address me.

Something someone said a while ago rang in my ears ” it’s hard for them. ” So I decided I would make it easier for them. I said to the bloke who was yet to have his child born “how’s your wife getting on?” “yeah alright” was the response. Not the happy, upbeat response I was expecting from someone who’s child was growing well, safely wrapped up in its mother’s womb.

All we used to talk about before we lost Nayely was how our partners were getting on, weird cravings, babies, anything baby related and now all I’m getting is a wall of silence.

So I pushed it a bit more, “I’m guessing you had the 20 week scan.” I asked.
“yeah we are having a boy” was the answer.
“that’s great news” I said as I tried to smile at him.

This is one of the only people I work with that I would class as a friend outside of work and he just wanted to get rid of me. So I went and started work.

At one point the Managing Director came into the workshop, as he does every morning to say hello to everyone. This morning he came in, spoke to everyone and then left. Everyone but me that is.
He was quickly followed by the Production Manager who did the very same thing. Spoke to the other people in the room but not me.
Eventually the Technical Director came in and he did come and speak to me. He said “it’s nice to see you back, hopefully it will help you get things back on track” now I’m not 100% sure what he meant and what I needed to get ‘back on track’ but somehow I stopped myself from shaking him and saying “you think being here is going to bring my daughter back you stupid prick.”

By now it is 10:00am and I’ve spoken to 2 people. I knew this day was going to be hard but I didn’t think my colleagues would make it harder for me.

The time has now dragged on and it is 12.30, its lunchtime, noone has spoken to me since 10:00am.

The saying about being surrounded by people and still feeling alone couldn’t be any more relevant to the way I feel today. The feeling of being ignored makes me feel like my baby girl doesn’t matter. She does matter. Not a single person has asked how I am, how Emileen is or how our other children are. But I will keep pushing, noone is going to be able to ignore me entirely.

That phrase is still going round in my head “it’s hard for them”. Is it really that hard for them? Did their baby die and have I ignored them? No. Me and my family have been broken beyond belief and yet these people that I have known for years can’t even say hello to me.

So far today in the 5 hours I’ve been at work it has further confirmed that we are doing the right thing by trying to raise awareness of Baby Loss and start making moves towards it being a subject that is openly talked about. That it won’t always be a taboo.

I think it is safe to say that the day didn’t quite play out as I expected. Hopefully through Nayely Adelpha Foundation we can educate people to deal with baby loss better, maybe even introduce some literature to employers to help them make better choices related to employee health and wellbeing.

Now to see what tomorrow brings. How long will it be before people don’t just ignore me? How long until someone actually asks how we are and addresses what has happened. My daughters death will not be in vain. We will be heard and we will make a difference regardless of how small that may be.

The next 3 weeks were amazing, the sickness started settling down as I went into the second trimester, at 13 weeks I started to feel the tiniest little flutters of movement which in itself was madness, I didn’t feel the girls until much later in the pregnancies, another thing that made me think it was a boy. Even the S.P.D started to settle down!

I had my gestational diabetes test and that came back negative I still felt very faint and the heart palpitations were still happening but it was easier to deal with when everything else was settling down.

My rage was strong, I felt myself becoming very easily irritated and that was horrible but it just meant that my hormones were going in the right direction, right?

On December 1st we went and done all our Christmas shopping, we loved it, we talked to Boris all the way around the shops – telling him how amazing next Christmas would be, we would know if he was a boy or girl and we’d go crazy over the top with presents for a six month old baby who wouldn’t even know what was happening, but we’d do it anyway because that’s what you do for baby’s first Christmas! I honestly felt so content, our family was turning out just perfect!

On December 7th we had Nathan’s works Christmas party, I wore the same dress I had worn when I was pregnant with Paisley, it felt so nice to be wearing it again and Boris looked perfect! It was a really nice evening, everyone asked after the pregnancy and wished us well, I’m not good at being the centre of attention (far to self conscious) unless I’m pregnant and you want to talk about the baby, then I love it! Pregnancy gives me a confidante I just don’t have naturally. We didn’t stay out too late, it was nice to get out together and get dressed up, I felt so beautiful, another thing that only happens when I’m pregnant!

December 9th, my annual girlie Christmas meal, another chance to get dressed up and show off my beautiful bump! I wore a different dress that night, one I’d never worn before. Once again Boris looked perfect. My friend came to pick me up, she is also pregnant so we were sticking together as the non drinkers! The chef had cooked extra Brussels sprouts for us preggosauruses as that was our craving! Everyone commented on how big I was, Tegenn is five weeks ahead of me but I looked months ahead of her! I pranced about so happy that night, showing off my bump to the world!

Something still wasn’t right though, over this 3 week period of bliss I kept saying to Nathan that something just didn’t feel right, I almost didn’t feel pregnant anymore but I looked very pregnant and I wasn’t bleeding it didn’t make sense, I couldn’t put my finger on it but something was definitely amiss.

I had my juniper midwife (mental health midwife) appointment on the 13th of December and I was going to ask if they could having a early listen to the baby’s heartbeat, just to put my mind at rest…….